January 6, 2011 |
In: Design, Fashion, Photography
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Elle UK, February 2011 by David Vasiljevic
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#10 cotton tshirt-$150….really?
Thanks for your support Raspberry and Wendy. I was angry that day!I’m satitrng to realise that I’ve been approaching this all wrong. I’ve been trying to relate to this man as an adult, but really he’s not emotionally mature. There’s no point being angry with him for acting childish. I’m trying to think of it as dealing with a toddler having a tantrum. When he feels aggrieved, he is not able to verbalise his distress. He wants me to acknowledge his distress, but manipulation (games, silence) is the only tool he has. What I never realised is that he is very insecure, and desperate for attention. Often his silence is a response to him feeling neglected by me. If I don’t acknowledge that he is upset there will be more punishment He needs a lot of reassurance and the smallest thing, however unintentional, can make him feel vulnerable. This is scary for him, and he will blame me for this feeling and punish me. He is not able to see the consequences of his behaviour from anyone else’s perspective all he is focused on is his own hurt.The key is not to reward the bad behaviour with an emotional response, but also not to ignore the person (which will inflame the situation and build up resentment.) It’s very difficult to get the balance right. Elyn’s right, it really is a power struggle. I have learnt not to ask him for anything while he’s in this state. If he knows I want something from him, whether it be a reply, a decision, or a material object, this puts him in a position of control. In his mind he thinks ha! I’ve got something that she wants! I’ll give to her when I feel like it! (Anyone NOT do this to their parents?!!)To Laurie I have found that grovelling is not really the answer. You might get a result in the short term because it feeds his ego and need for attention. But all it’s really doing is reinforcing his use of the silent treatment to manipulate you. Can you look at it from his point of view and work out what may have happened to make him feel vulnerable in some way? Like you, I blamed myself, but it’s all about HIS insecurity. If you can let him know that you acknowledge what he is feeling and why, that may be a satitrng point. Just like a sulking child, he is stubborn and will only stop in his own time. It’s hugely frustrating, I know. If he feels that you are trying to control him he won’t respond. I’m sure he likes it when you plead with him to talk to you, but it just gives him an opportunity to reject you. It’s a lot of hard work mentally. :/I feel a lot less angry now that I know what game I’m playing. These people really haven’t learnt how to communicate in a positive way. Therapy would probably be helpful, if you could persuade them of that without offending them. Penny’s right, the silent treatment makes you feel invisible. %-/
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