The one-liner master – Mitch Hedberg quotes (14 photos)


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Megan Resig

Megan Resig is Head of theBERRY, loves to travel, embraces awkward moments, and appreciates anything that has to do female empowerment. She's a sucker for chick-flicks and isn't afraid to admit that her nickname was once meg-a-ton.

  • Candy

    One of my favorites…
    "I saw a commercial on late night TV that said 'forget everything you know about slip covers.'
    So I did.
    And it was a load off my mind.
    Then the commercial tried to sell slip covers, but I didnt know what they were!"

  • @SavannahMacDo10

    I was so sad when he passed away :( he was hilarious!

  • Crush

    Never heard of this guy before in my life….but #4 was funny.

    • allison_reid

      Do yourself a favor and check out his Pandora station. Laugh until your cheeks hurt!

  • VC98

    "I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut, man, I'll just give you the money then you give me the doughnut! End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend… don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut! I got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's at home… in the file… under 'D'….RIP Mitch

  • kirah

    RIP Mitch, one funny funny funny guy. never met some one who spoke the truth as much as he did :)

  • kirah

    also LMAO @ #14

  • SinCatt

    My husband and I still listen to his albums from time to time. I still laugh my ass off every time.

  • BeachBoard681

    RIP he was phenomenal!

  • lemurfart

    ducks eat for free at subway!!

    saved by the buoyancy of citrus

  • Kelsie

    I LOVE Mitch Hedberg. These pics just don't do him justice. The hilarity of Mitch was the way he delivered.

    "My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter…and I don't want 'em to. I'm like, 'Hey, hold on fellas, let me hold one of you…….and feed you a leaf.' Why do koala bears…….they're so fucking cute….why do they have to be so far away from me? We need to ship a few over……and I will apprehend one. And hold him. And pet him on the back of his head…"

    • Joanna

      one of my favorites. Cutest infestation ever. <3

  • lilikalea

    Some of my favorites are up there, but here are a couple more:

    "Bananas are the opposite of traffic lights. Green means 'hold on', yellow means 'go ahead', and red means 'Where the fuck did you get that banana at'?!"

    "What the fuck is a sesame?!"

  • Joanna

    love and miss him.

  • @TheButtonz

    My personal fave was

    "Vending machines are a big part of my life. I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up. That's a good invention. Before then it was hard times for the vending machine owners, "What candy bar are you getting?", "That one . . . and every one on the bottom row!"

  • justlilolme

    These are complete stoner thoughts..

  • Seaver

    One of if not my favorite stand up comic! Mitch was the man

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