Whoever said kids are like tiny drunk adults could not have spoken a more accurate truth. There are few things in life quite as entertaining as the pure, unfiltered, curious and adorable messes we call children. Sometimes I envy those days of brutal honesty and a carefree world. That being said, it also takes a special kind of patience and sense of humor to be one of those god-sent people that can look after kids for hours on end without losing their minds.
If you’ve ever worked with children, maybe as a summer camp counselor for example, chances are you have some pretty hilarious tales about their wild and unpredictable antics. These campers certainly did and their encounters will make you worried for future generations.
1. TheGursh had a bit of a monster on his hands.
Camp counsellor for two summers. This one kid would wear sweat pants every day. Without prompt by the other kids he would put his arms through his foot holes and then pull the waistband up over his head so he looked like some weird two legged torso. He would then proceed to run around like that chasing the other kids grabbing their ankles. They were terrified.
2. One of PixieDreamKate‘s campers was quite a pine tree enthusiast.
One of the kids at the summer camp I worked at was obsessed with pine trees. He used to carry branches and needles around with him. The pieces of pine trees he found would eventually take on their own personas. He would tell me “this one looks like a young man wearing a hula skirt,” and one day when I saw him on the play ground he was putting the pine needles in his ears and told me “these are my children and their house is on fire.” I just slowly nodded and went to play with some other kids.
3. Banger44 had an epic solution to kids fighting over legos.
No matter what punishments we tried they would not stop fighting over the legos so I took to drastic measures. The kids seemed to argue about who had the strongest looking lego man. I then brought in a zombie lego man who had a jetpack and a space helmet and all that. He became “the invincible lego space zombie”. I told all the kids that he was the most powerful lego man possible and they needed to listen to me and quiet down or the lego zombie would get you.
As always there is one kid who immidiatley does the exact opposite of whatever was said started yelling and running around with his lego plane. I told him the lego zombie had come for him and took his plane. Then I made the entire camp gather around in a circle and they got to watch as the lego zombie showed them exactly what happened to their precious legos if they misbehaved. I dropped the legos from way up and let them smash on the floor, then the kid who was misbehaving had to pick up his now shattered lego creation as the pieces went all over the room.
This fixed the problem until the kids started ratting each other out and then eventually they started demanding the public lego executions. It got to the point where they would start chanting lego zombie, lego zombie, lego zombie as I held the lego creation up in the air before shattering it. Needless to say we took legos away.
4. The kids at rockontoast‘s camp were getting a little too violent.
One year we had to ban Duck-Duck-Goose because there were too many injuries. One kid didn’t seem to understand the concept of a circle, and ran straight into a wall, full speed.
5. be0wulf was in for an interesting parent phone call.
A girl came in wearing a collar and leash and walked around asking people to be her “master”.
Yeah, she was a weird one…
6. curlyqueue123 was responsible for the lizard king.
I had a camper that would catch lizards around the cabins. He would then proceed to make them bite his earlobes and nose until he had several lizards hanging from his head. Then he would run around and scare the girl campers. It was pretty strange.
7. The camper in ashortsleeves’ cabin left an unsightly present every morning.
I had a Super Duper Stealth Pooper.
Every morning we awoke to find a freshly dumped turd in the center of our cabin. No one would admit to it. All the kids seemed pretty normal that week and it was otherwise a great cabin. My co-counselor and I tried taking shifts staying up to figure out who it was. The phantom pooper remains a mystery to this day.
8. yossarianlives54‘s campers got a detailed biology lesson.
I’ve had a few memorable moments on night patrol, but this one is my favorite. One of the best parts was listening in on cabins to hear what they talked about when they thought no adults were around. One night, I was walking by a boys cabin when I overheard one of the “older” campers describing anal sex to his cabin mates. Everyone in the cabin was dead silent, probably hanging on every word as this 13 year old kid said, “Anal sex is a mixture of four things: pain, pleasure, confusion, and intensity.”
To this date the most accurate description of anal sex I have ever heard.
9. No idea what I would do WileyWiggins‘s situation.
A kid I was on camp with got a tick on his penis, he tried to drown it in methylated spirits, but it wasn’t working. He tried to then light it on fire, but didn’t do a thorough job in wiping up the spirits. I remember seeing a huge flame out the corner of my eye, followed by him screaming and manically slapping the fire on his dick.
10. svanzura could not even with this kid.
We had two changing cabins at my camp for kids to change into bathing suits and such before going swimming. The boys of the camp had a problem just going in and changing, and instead liked to spend ample amounts of time running around naked and screaming. So, we had to take shifts standing outside of the cabin making sure everyone was changing correctly. One day, I was sitting outside the cabin, making sure they were changing with the girl that I had liked at the time, when one of the kids came out of the cabin and told me he needed to talk to me, but he didn’t want the girl to hear. So, he whispered in my ear, “Dylan is showing people his butt hole.” Now, I have to get up, walk into the changing cabin where all of the kids are standing naked in a semi circle around a kid who is bent over a chair spreading his ass cheeks and showing everyone his butt hole. I didn’t even know what to say, so I just left…
11. bowiebull went to camp with a cougar.
Though I was once a camp counselor, the weirdest story was of a girl at summer camp with me. We were probably 10. She told everyone her name was “Cougar” and howled at the moon every night. She also hung (unused) tampons from her bunkbed. Homegirl was nuts.
12. amnesiajune‘s campers played way too much Xbox live.
Thanks to the lovely world of Xbox Live, all my 8 year old kids learned lots of new words and sounds playing Call of Duty. One night on our camping trip, they (8 year old kids) thought it would be funny if they made all the noises of sex. They knew what a blowjob sounded like. They knew what sex sounded like. They used corny lines from porn. They called each other prostitutes and whores and names like that.
I’ve never been happier about having grown up as a sheltered suburban kid than I was that night.
13. mitchellj97 wonders what this kid’s home life is like.
Some kid told me he going to hunt me down, wrap his penis in a tortilla, make love to me, then steal my toaster. Good times.
The future is looking quite interesting my friends.
Related-ish: 16 Of The Most Ridiculous Lies Moms Tell Their Kids