Drunk Hero Leaves An Inspirational Speech On A Stranger’s Phone

 

Losing your phone is the worst. It’s like lobbing off a bodily appendage or forfeiting a piece of your heart. It’s both a physical and emotional attachment is what I’m saying. Like, what if there’s an emergency? There definitely won’t be, but what if???

Some of us are lucky enough to reconnect with our phones, praise be the FindMyPhone app. None of us are as lucky as Megan (@megan_fogal) though, who not only got her phone back— she got it back with a speech so inspirational, so utterly empowering and thought-provoking that Lincoln himself would shed a tear, lamenting the comparable shoddiness of his own Gettysburg Address.

Just kidding, he’s clearly wasted and there is a 100% probability he doesn’t remember leaving this video. Still, though.

Related-ish: This 8th Grader’s Dating Contract Is Mostly Not Insane


Transcribed, for scholarly purposes:

Hello

I don’t know who’s phone this is I just found it. But um. You’re beautiful. And you will always accomplish whatever your mind thinks it can do, so…if you um, have a dream. Go fulfill it, go do it. Cuz you will have it. And you will accomplish. And you will succeed. Everything in this world is not promised, BUT if you make it promised, it’ll be promised. (???)

*long pause*

God bless America, God bless you. God bless me, God bless everybody here (where? Who knows?)

You da man, and you know!

A-haaaaa!

I mean…if you thought all men were created equal, you’re clearly wrong because Rob is better than all of us combined. He’s the product of American Pie‘s Stifler and That 70’s Show‘s Kelso blended together into one single bro of epic proportions, if that means anything to you.

The entire speech bleeds genius, but perhaps the wisest sentiment is this: “Everything in this world is not promised, but if you make it promised, it’ll be promised,” which is really just a way more interesting way of saying “believe in yourself.” We love you Rob, and never forget that a drunk iPhone video of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth. Amen.

See Also: Dad Buys Mortified Middle-Aged Son A Newspaper Ad Seeking A Wife

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