15-ish Questions I Hope Lindsay Lohan Answers In Her New Book

Lindsay Lohan – everyone’s favorite fallen star, actual jewelry thief, and severe Brexit opponent – is writing a book. In a recent interview with Vanity Fairshe said:

I am in the process of writing a book, and I am very excited to share my personal experiences in life and how to overcome obstacles. I hope that my words will connect with those who need some guidance when [or] if they are in a tough place. I am grateful that I have a voice, which I can now feel comfortable using as a platform to let people know that we all have ups and downs in life, and we can all come up from the downs if we get in touch with our inner self and spiritual side.

We have literally zero details about the book aside from the fact that it is presumably being written, meaning questions abound:

1. What will the genre be? Self-help? Memoir? Fiction? All of the above?

2. Will LiLo attribute her downward spiral to Paris Hilton? I personally attribute all the bad things of the aughts to Paris Hilton.


3. Speaking of, will the dramatic history between LiLo and Paris be addressed?

4. How about that time all those times they made out?

5. Will we finally get answers to the knife pictures? I’ve been wondering about those for nearly a decade.

6. Will we learn about Life Size, one of LiLo’s greatest works to date? And is Tyra Banks a bitch IRL?


7. Why Herbie?

8. Why Scary Movie 5?

9. Will the book address whether or not Lindsay has freckles coming out of her vagina? I’d like to think so.

10. Samantha. Ronson. Tell. Us. Everything.

11. Will LiLo be discussing this statement: “I like Donald Trump, he is a nice person”?

12. What was going through Lindsay’s head when Oprah told her to “cut the bullshit”?


13. Who told her that arabic script she posted said “you’re beautiful” and not “you’re an ass”? Did she fire them as a friend?

14. How did she kill time when she was jailed for 84 minutes?

15. What exclusive party includes Lilo, Woody Allen, and a sparker-wielding Michael Cera? Is there some sort of cerebral stammering retrospective of the millennial condition in the works that I don’t know about? If not, can there be?

See Also: We Tried The Sorta Simple Routine Behind Beyonce’s Baller Thighs

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