A quarter-life crisis is a very real debacle, and occurs when you’re in your twenties/early thirties and come to the acute realization that your life is a lie, you have no idea what you’re doing, there is no point to anything, etc. etc.
It’s really a blast, lemme tell ya!
Here are some signs that you may very well be experiencing the QLC conundrum at this particular juncture of your life — so sit back, and maybe pour some Baileys into your coffee before reading the following:
1. When someone at a party asks what you do for a living, you dive under a nearby table.
Once you are safely hidden under the table, you lie and say that your side-hustle is going really well, actually! Also, you conveniently forget to mention your daytime office job, and say that you’re really, really happy with how things are going. You then seriously contemplate staying underneath the table for the remainder of the party, periodically snacking on dropped hors d’oeuvres.
2. Whenever you see an engagement/married post on Facebook, you raise your fists and yell “KHAAAAAAAAN!”
Or perhaps you yell something else, if Star Trek isn’t your thing. The point is, the sight of a proposal or engagement ring immediately enters your mind as another tally mark against you and your ability to navigate the future. Those engaged people (theoretically) know who they’re spending the rest of their lives with — while you aren’t even sure if you’re willing to keep the same hairdresser for more than six months.
3. You think that taking some time to “find yourself,” and “work” on your “screenplay,” would really solve a lot of problems.
You just, like, really need to, like, “get away from it all,” you know? You’re utterly certain that a bohemian camping trip upstate is exactly what you need to pull yourself out of this rut. Because it’s way easier to blame geography for your current state of unhappiness than to blame yourself!
4. You start to flop-sweat anytime you even think about cooking.
How did you live so many years without learning this basic skill which was key to your ancestors’ survival? Is it normal that most of your food comes from the deli on the corner? Have you totally screwed yourself out of any sense of healthy normalcy, and is your body deteriorating as we speak??
5. You burst into tears when you think about your dog — or any dog, really.
They’re just so loving and loyal, and (*sniff*) no human could ever be as perfect as dogs (*sniff sniff*), and why are their lives so much shorter than ours (*sob*), and I really just hope that they go heaven, because they are too pure for this Earth! (*collapses in fit of waterworks*).
6. You suddenly realize you forgot to start a savings account. Like, five years ago.
You wake up in a cold sweat, discovering that not only are you living paycheck to paycheck, but you have saved absolutely no money. You worry about this for about an hour, then promise yourself you will deal with it first thing in the morning. Morning comes and you’re like “Ugh, so tired, no dealing with responsibilities right now.” The cycle continues forever and ever.
7. If you’re single, your expectations for dates are so low that you’re just relieved when they don’t push you out of a moving car.
It wasn’t love at first sight, or even like at first sight. But, at least he managed to make it through dinner without making any homophobic comments or racial slurs, he exhibited zero excessive flatulence, and he only checked his Tinder when he thought you weren’t looking. Sounds like somebody’s getting a second date!!
8. If you’re coupled, the two of you have to plan to have sex at least five hours in advance.
Because if you try to have spontaneous sex before you go to bed, one of you will probably be asleep before the foreplay is over.
9. You tried to have a conversation with college kids and you literally could not understand them.
And I don’t even mean that in a “Kids these days!” kind of way. I mean you actually are not sure what “woke” means when it’s used as an adjective.
10. You’ve caught yourself eyeing the “Self-Help” section of the bookstore.
You wonder if you should peruse a book or two, just casually flipping through the pages while secretly yearning for answers. But then you realize that A.) you will be seen in the Self-Help aisle, and B.) you will be seen in the Self-Help aisle. You flee the bookstore immediately and decide to buy the Kindle versions instead.
But, even if you find yourself relating to every single one of these, try not to worry about it too much — you have to save your energy for that mid-life crisis you’ll be having in twenty years!