Legally Blonde, a cultural touchstone for pink fashion and third-wave feminism (sorta), turns 15 years old on this very day.
I know! Can you believe it? It doesn’t look a day over five!
And, while this movie was the chosen cinematic fare for many a sleepover during my adolescent years, I have to admit that there are still a few Legally Blonde questions which I feel merit some answers. I had to edit some of them down (don’t even get me started on the sperm donor question in Callahan’s class), but here are the queries that deserve to be demystified — preferably by Reese Witherspoon, in person.
It’s okay, Reese, I’ll wait.
1. Do sororities REALLY look like that?
Perhaps I simply haven’t spent enough time in Los Angeles, but a mansion full of blonde women on StairMasters seems more like the sorority house in a porno than an actual sorority house. Do any of these women go to class, or do they simply take part in perpetual Hotness Training? Side note: Elle’s room is amazing, and is a step up from most Manhattan studio apartments. She should probably figure out a way to stay in the Delta Nu house for the rest of her life.
2. Wait, how old is everyone in this movie supposed to be?
Look, I’m not trying to be ageist here. If you’re a late-twenties/early-thirties actor, I totally believe that you have the right to be cast as a 21-year-old. That is the foundation upon which Hollywood is built. I’m just saying: nobody is buying it, and who are you kidding.
Also, Warner is like, 35.
3. Are students just allowed to send “video essay” applications to Harvard?
I sincerely hope that there was a surge in “video essay applications” following the release of this movie. It would be amazing if the only thing required to enter an Ivy League university was a quippy video montage which essentially said nothing about your qualifications and basically just featured you and your friends in bikinis. THAT IS THE AMERICA I WANT TO LIVE IN.
4. How does Bruiser really feel about all of his outfits?
Bruiser wears so many accessories with such seeming indifference that I almost feel like he’s okay with being anthropomorphized. He appears to be totally content with wearing his tiny human clothes! But who knows, maybe he secretly resents Elle for forcing him to wear all of the miniature, lesser versions of her outfits? Perhaps Bruiser is tired of being someone else’s fucking fashion statement, and wants to make his own clothing decisions!
Or maybe he’s just a dog and only cares about treats, I dunno.
5. What exactly happened in that hot tub for four hours?
Warner is essentially a walking beige phallus, but I must give the man major props for such lengthy foreplay — even more points if actual intercourse was involved. But, who knows what really happened in that vat of bubbling water? We never find out! It is mentioned in passing by Elle, and then it is never spoken of again. Forget Brooke Windham and the murder of her husband, THIS QUERY is the mystery that I want solved.
6. Is the Bend-And-Snap even attractive?
I’ve debated this for years. Does it make for an iconic movie segment? Yes, I suppose so. Is it actually sexy or appealing? Dude, I have no idea. I fully understand the bending over bit — asses in the air is pretty much always a crowd-pleaser. But it’s the popping up with the tiny T-Rex arms that baffles me. I am open to debates and dissenting opinions, but until someone fully explains it to me, I am hereby dubbing the Bend-And-Snap as a comedic Win and a come-hither Fail.
Although Miss Bend-And-Snap herself, Reese Witherspoon, makes the move look pretty cute, TBH:
It’s been 15 years since the movie “Legally Blonde” introduced the world to Elle Woods, the pink-clad, Chihuahua-toting sorority student who aced the LSATs, got into Harvard Law School and inspired a generation. “I have had so many women say, ‘I went to law school because of ‘Legally Blonde,’” says star Reese Witherspoon (@reesewitherspoon). “It actually had a meaningful story. And it was about female empowerment. It wasn’t necessarily about the girl getting the guy.” To celebrate the anniversary, make sure to show off your pet Chihuahua, law degree or even your best “bend and snap” — “That is still the most asked request I get from people. I have a feeling I will be doing the bend and snap until I am 95,” says Reese — and tag #LegallyBlonde15 in the caption. Video by @reesewitherspoon
7. Why the fuck is everyone dancing in the nail salon?
Okay, the Bend-And-Snap was one thing, but when did everyone decide that this was a movie musical rather than a good, old-fashioned rom-com? You people paid to get your nails done, so just sit in your chair and calm the fuck down about it! We don’t need to bring break-dancing into this transaction!
8. Is this even how trials work??
This question encompasses many smaller queries, which include, but are not limited to: Does proving that someone is gay actually refute their credibility and testimony? (No) Can you simply enter a courtroom dramatically whenever it suits you? (Maybe! Try it!) Can your friends walk into the chamber and yell at the jury? (Who the hell am I to say?) There are so many other questions that spring to mind, but, honestly, I’m so glad to see Linda Cardellini acting in something that I am willing to believe pretty much everything that happened in that fake courtroom.
9. But, for real, why was everyone such a dick to Elle?
The most baffling question of all. Elle treated every single stranger she encountered with enthusiasm and friendliness. She rolled with the punches, and took petty barbs and insults with grace. So why the hell did everyone decide that they hated her? It was like all she did was show up and say “Hey guys, how’s it going?” and everyone was like “PINK! NO! MONSTER! SHE IS A MONSTER!” Honestly, that’s my favorite detail of this movie: despite the fact that her peers and teachers are essentially shitting on her the entire time, Elle never loses her cool or verbally lambasts anyone (except for Vivian, but like, she deserved it). Bravo, Elle. You are basically the only character in this entire movie with class. Plus, you’re a boss bitch.
Which is why, even though the movie is 15 years old, but I’m pretty sure we all still aspire be Elle Woods, just a tiny bit.