Legally Blonde has and will always stand the test of time. 15 years later, it’s still hilarious, inspiring, and highly quotable. Especially when it comes to the burns. Such epic burns! So relevant! So very 2001! Don’t stomp your little last season Prada shoes at me, honey!
1. “You’re not smart enough, sweetie” – Warner Huntington III
What a burn! It’s patronizing and downright cruel at the same time. Love it.
2. “Men are big fat retards” – Paulette
This is just true. JUST KIDDING EVERYONE CALM DOWN.
3. “Oh I like your outfit too, except when I dress up as a frigid bitch, I try not to look so constipated” – Elle
Calling somebody heartless while commenting on their irregular bowel movements? OHHO, this might be Elle’s best diss.
4. Elle: “This is the type of girl Warner wants to marry. This is what I need to become to be serious.”
Old lady at nail salon: “What? Practically deformed?”
Calling someone ‘practically deformed’ seems worse than just saying ‘deformed’ for some reason. Like, they could’ve stood a chance if they hadn’t missed the mark by a hairs width, but alas.
5. “What, like it’s hard?” – Elle
Great response to anyone doubting your accomplishments, big or small.
i.e., “Did you just eat that entire cheesecake to yourself?” “What, like it’s hard?”
6. Enrique: “No, I’m sorry. I thought you said friend. Chuck is just a friend.”
Chuck: “YOU BITCH.”
These are both very practical. Ain’t no way to piss off your SO/semi-BF like calling them “just a friend” to people within their earshot. Similarly, screaming “YOU BITCH!” at absolutely anyone, strangers included, is a fantastic exercise, both in confidence building and friend loss.
7. “Well thank god one of you has a brain” – Brooke
Works best if there are multiple people in the room with you. Throw it out there, and let them decide which of them you’re referring to.
8. Emmett: “I can’t believe you just called me a butthead. I don’t think anybody has called me a butthead since the 9th grade.”
Elle: “Maybe not to your face.”
First of all, let’s bring butthead back. Second of all, this is nothing if not an ideal example of Elle’s mind-trick prowess. Call somebody a name, then tell ’em people “maybe” people just don’t say it to their face. They’ll be left wondering how many people actually do call them a goober behind their back. If they were insecure before, they’ll be psychologically destroyed now!
9. “If I’m gonna be a partner in a law firm by the time I’m 30, I need a boyfriend who’s not such a complete bonehead.” – Elle
This is a useful Burn Formula, you just need to fill in the blanks: “If Im going to be_____, I need _____who isn’t_____.”
i.e., “If I’m going to sit on this couch watching Bravo all day, I need a family who isn’t going to tell me to ‘get a job’ or call me a ‘lazy POS’ constantly.”
Plus, ‘bonehead’ is a classy diss. You don’t even care enough to call them an asshole! You’re too good for that.
“Oh, sweetheart, you don’t need law school. Law school is for people who are boring and ugly and serious. – Elle’s Dad
Again, simple substitution à la Mad Libs is called for here. The only thing worse than being called ugly is being called boring and ugly. Not even personality could save this poor soul!
Elle: “Oh Warner, do you remember when we spent those four amazing hours in the hot tub together after winter formal?”
Warner: “Uhh, ye… no.”
Elle: “Well this is so much better than that.
The best way to piss a dude off is to tell him how X is “so much better” than your best sexual experience with him. The more trivial the ‘X’, the more severe the burn.
“If I want to be elected Senator by the time I’m 30, I need to marry a Jackie, not a Marilyn.” – Warner
This would be a more efficient diss if Jackie and Marilyn weren’t both total babes, so substitute profession and names accordingly.
i.e., “If I want to catch ’em all by the time I get sick of Pokemon Go, I need to team up with an Ash, not a Brock.”
“Whoever said orange was the new pink was seriously disturbed.” – Elle
Ha ha, this one doesn’t even make sense! Who cares!