As someone whose drink of choice is usually a red, white or rosé, I must admit that I’m woefully ill-equipped when it comes to being a wine connoisseur. Once, I even brought a bottle of wine home before realizing that I did not possess a corkscrew (I eventually got the cork out, but there were definitely pieces of it floating around in the wine, so I give myself a C+).
If you’re like me and are looking to up your wine-drinking game, then look no further: these products are here to make it happen.
From aerating glasses to transportable wine coolers, you’ll find everything you need to convince everyone that you do indeed know what the fuck you’re talking about when it comes to wine — or, at the very least, you’ll be able feel a bit more luxurious when drinking it.
1. This cute ‘n handy wine tote.
Because your wine deserves its own damn carrying case, dammit. What, do you think you’re going to show up to that boozy picnic carrying a wine bottle in a plastic bag? Please.
2. This magical wine bottle holder.
The laws of physics make this wine bottle holder a true MVP in terms of stunning countertop displays. Not only does it keep your wine in one handy spot (you know, in case you find yourself digging around your kitchen mumbling “Where the fuck is my wine??”), but it also provides a lovely artistic statement. And that statement is: Wine Is Dope.
3. This aerating wine glass.
Okay, I’ll admit it: I have no idea why people aerate their wine. I may drink this particular alcoholic libation constantly, but as far as I’m concerned, breathing is an activity solely reserved for beiengs which possess lungs (I’m a rube, I know). However, if you happen to be one of those ~*fancy folk*~ who enjoys letting their drink gulp in air, then this is definitely the glass for you. The best part? It closely resembles a tiny, magical fountain.
4. This festive bottle-stopper.
We’ve all been there: we have the audacity to assume that we can drink an entire bottle of wine, and then we realize that no, we are puny mortals and cannot always imbibe like champions. In these (admittedly rare) instances, a pretty bottle-stopper is absolutely necessary to save our favorite beverage.
5. This expanding air cork.
Oh, technology. You always come up with the darnedest things! If you need to save the remaining dregs from your bottle of vino, simply insert this balloon-like contraption into the bottle, then use the handy air pump (which is, of course, shaped like grapes) to expand the balloon. Your wine will be saved, and you’ll feel like you just filled up a balloon. Success!
6. This glass which teaches you about wine chemistry.
Just because you’re drunk doesn’t mean you can’t learn things. This informative little glass features the chemical formula for wine, so you can pretend that you’re a true intellectual — until you dribble red wine onto your shirt, anyway.
7. This wine-preserving carafe.
If bottle-stoppers aren’t reliable enough for you, simple pour the remainder of your wine into this airtight carafe. That way, when you foolishly spend $40 on a bottle of wine, you can at least comfort yourself with the fact that you’re getting your full money’s worth.
8. A portable wine cooler.
When summer is upon you, and you find yourself invited to a plethora of outdoor activities, you’ll be glad you have this handy wine cooler. Wine is delicious, but warm wine on a hot summer day? Absolutely a no-go.
9. These wine glass charms.
This way, when you host a dinner party like a true fancy adult, everyone will be able to tell which glass is theirs — and they won’t have to draw on their glasses with dry-erase markers like a bunch of plebeians.
10. Some wine pearls.
Sometimes your wine just isn’t chilly enough — and a subpar wine temperature is definitely enough to make fussy vinos very cranky. Just take these pearls out of the freezer and add them to your drink to cool everything down a bit. The best part? They won’t melt and turn your drink all watery, like ice cubes.
11. This adorable corkscrew.
Just because corkscrews are functional and utilitarian doesn’t mean they can’t be cute, y’all. This little penguin slowly raises his “flippers” as you deploy the corkscrew, making it appear as though he is cheering on your alcoholism! Thanks, penguin!
12. The “Corkcicle Air.”
Insert this frozen ice pick into your bottle of wine to chill and aerate your wine — all while it’s being poured! Magic!
13. This EXTRA LARGE wine glass.
Sometimes a regular glass of wine just isn’t going to cut it. In these instances, just turn to this formidable goblet for all of your drinking needs. (I would add something about drinking responsibly, but like, you’re already drinking out of a giant wine glass.)
14. This life-saving red wine stain remover.
If you’re drinking, you’re definitely gonna spill — it’s just science. Try to mitigate disaster as best you can with this red win stain removal spray.
15. These portable wine sippy cups.
Contrary to popular belief, you can indeed consume wine from portable glasses without offending your elegant sensibilities. Just use these portable cups to hold your beloved elixir while you hold your pinky out.
16. This bathtub wine caddy.
OH MY GOD, GAME-CHANGER. Drinking in the bathtub has become even more accessible, thanks to this handy contraption. The holder adheres to the side of your tub, and is the perfect perch for any glass of wine. No more worrying about spilling into your bathwater — now you can just worry about whether or not it’s dangerous to relax so hard.
17. Unbreakable wine glasses.
As someone who has broken at least four wine glasses on separate occasions (while SOBER, no less), the idea of an unbreakable wine glass naturally appeals to my clumsier tendencies and lazy sensibility. I don’t want to worry about wine glasses getting busted in the dishwasher! I just want to drink my damn wine!
18. A portable wine flask bag.
This flask is undoubtedly a glamping trip fixture. Sure, beer is a fun fixture on any outdoor outings — but wouldn’t you rather be drinking some wine? Well, thanks to this giant flask, such a thing is now possible.
19. These wine bottle condoms.
Truthfully, I originally thought these were wine-flavored condoms (which is also an excellent idea). However, they’re actually even more practical, if you can believe it: when you find yourself in need of a bottle-stopper, simple take out one of these “condoms” and roll it tight over the top of the bottle. Your wine will be preserved, and you can simply throw it away whenever you’re done!
Plus, it will definitely make your refrigerator look a little sexier.
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