You might be the type of person who wakes up bright and early and goes to the gym to really “feel alive” before you head off to work. Maybe you’re the type who wakes up just before you have to leave the house. (Actually, that’s not true. You woke up on time, but you just hit the snooze button a bunch.) Honestly though, who cares what kind of person you are? What matters are the other assholes you have to endure on your way into the office. I mean what kind of animals are they? Why is everyone so fucking annoying to you? I don’t know the answer myself, but here’s a list of people you definitely dealt with on your way into work today.
Related-ish: Sleeping On Strangers In The Subway (VIDEO)
1. The tourist.
This idiot always makes the list. He’s everywhere you want to be. Just snapping pictures. Walking slowly. You know, taking it all in. And you’re all like, “Yo! Can you move the FUCK out of my way? Thank you!”
2. The people who are wearing shorts and a tank top.
Seriously, unless you’re a dog walker or Ilana from Broad City, this ensemble is absolutely an unacceptable one. You can’t just roll into work with short cotton shorts that have pictures of lipstick on them paired with a ribbed tank top (is that a hole?) and expect people to take you seriously at work. Are you even wearing a bra? It’s like, I wear that to bed. #FOH
3. That annoying couple that shares a subway pole.
They never let go. They just stand there, arms around the pole, talking and staring into each other’s eyes. And when one of their stops hit, it’s like the subway just turned into the Titanic, and they’re separating men from the women. Chill out, okay? Before you know it, it’ll be rush hour all over again, and OMG, you’ll get to see each other again.
4. The picky homeless person.
One time I was coming home from a work event with some leftovers. I offered it to someone who was living on the street, and they asked me what it was. After I gave them the rundown of my doggie bag contents which actually included chocolate cake, they said, “Nah, I’m good,” and kept walking. WHAT?!
5. The overscented and the underscented.
Too much perfume, not enough Old Spice deodorant. Too much cologne, not enough Secret. If I can smell your scent from the other subway car, you’re definitely offending someone. You need to figure out the perfect science of wearing antiperspirant like an adult and not over-spritzing yourself like a child.
6. The guy who thinks his bags deserve a seat.
For one, I’m not interested in dealing with a man who has emotional baggage. But I’m definitely not interested in dealing with literal baggage. How about you pick up your belongings, and let a girl sit down?
7. The ridiculously pulled-together chick.
You’re surprised she doesn’t have “flawless” tattooed on her wrist. But then, you’ll be the first to admit that you have absolutely no desire to attempt to wear 4-inch stilettos while walking over subway grates. This is a commute to work — not American Ninja.
8. The girl who’s not pregnant.
Learn to tell the difference between a woman who is pregnant and one who is not. DO NOT. I repeat DO NOT offer your seat and say, “You and the baby should rest,” if you are not 100% sure there’s a baby in there and not a Chipotle Burrito (those things make you bloated AF). Hot tip: When they see there are no seats left, moms-to-be will have that unmistakable look of exhaustion mixed with “give me a fucking break” plastered across their faces.
9. The questionable peeping tom.
There’s a person staring at you. Are they judging you? Do you have something on your face? They pick up their phone and are scrolling through it. Or are they? Wait, did they just take a picture of you thinking they were in stealth mode? Are you sitting in someone’s Snapchat feed right now?!
10. The chatterboxes who just need to STFU.
I promise you there’s nothing I care less about at 7:45 a.m. than all of the things your cat has been eating lately. See this iPhone? Do you see that I’ve hit Netflix and then tapped How to Get Away With Murder? Let me live! Seriously, it’s way too early for you to be talking this much to anyone.
11. The people who still have the tags on their clothes.
Oh wait, that’s me.
12. People who think they’re a DJ for the whole train.
I mean, maybe these are the ones that have it all figured out. Maybe their music is so fucking loud NOT because they’re (obviously) deaf, but because they don’t want to listen to any of the ridiculous people commuting alongside them.