We’ve all been there: flipping through channels in a half-conscious malaise, when we stumble upon the HGTV channel and find ourselves sucked into the world of kitchen renovations and weirdly attractive real estate agents. Sure, you can pretend that you have no idea about Love It Or List It or Property Brothers, but you and I both know that this is a whopping lie. We all watch these guilty pleasure TV shows, and that’s okay.
But, while these watered-down shows may be geared towards the daytime TV crowd (you know who you are), there are definitely some darker undercurrents at play. I mean, every single episode of House Hunters is THIS CLOSE to erupting in a bloodbath. You could cut the tension with a damn knife!
And if HGTV show titles were a bit more honest about the nature of their content, we would probably get a closer peek at the seedy underbelly of home renovation …
Flip or Flop would be called Dear God, What Are We Doing With Our Life?
Yes, the husband and wife who host this show are probably very financially well-off, and in no danger of losing their life savings — but every single episode, they’re like “OMG WE BOUGHT THIS FALLING DOWN PIECE OF SHIT AND WE MIGHT LOSE ALL OUR MONEY RENOVATING IT,” and I always fall for it and become extremely stressed out.
Like, maybe you should consider a new line of work, guys! This flipping houses thing is obviously extremely stressful and costly! Just ghost-write a home improvement book and collect the royalties forever, mmkay?
Love It Or List It would be called We Did All This F*cking Work For Nothing
This show’s concept centers around the idea of a real estate agent showing a family different houses for sale, and an interior designer upgrading the family’s current home, in an effort to convince them to either (you guessed it) LOVE their upgraded home or LIST that shit as “For Sale” and move into a new house.
Now, I will say I love the notion of an interior designer and a realtor competing against one another, because like, who honestly cares about the outcome of that Battle Royale? That said, this show always seems extremely annoying for whoever ends up on the losing side — they just did a shit-ton of work for like, no pay-off. Either they spent hours showing people around homes that they’re never going to buy, or they spent hours updating their ugly basement only to have the family be like “Eh, no thanks.”
I’m honestly surprised these episodes don’t end in bloodshed each and every time.
House Hunters would be called Definitely On The Verge Of Divorce
Okay, have the couples on this show even spoken to one another, much less discussed the possibility of buying a house together?? The husband is always like “I’d love to live in a backyard teepee!” and the wife is like “But I really want to live in a Tudor mansion!” and then they’re both like “Maybe there’s a Tudor teepee mansion out there somehow!” and I am forced to smash my head against the coffee table.
Also, can we talk about the fact that no one on this show has realistic expectations? Every couple always tells the camera “On our Wish List is a master suite, fully-updated kitchen, fenced-in yard, seventeen bedrooms, a built-in slide, a home theatre, and our budget is a grand total of five dollars. K THANKS.”
Repeat smashing of head into coffee table.
House Hunters: International would be called Somebody Read “Eat Pray Love” Too Many Times
The “hunters” in these episodes are always people who feel the need to “make a drastic change” and “live a new lifestyle,” so they’re taking their meager savings and buying a home in a new country where they don’t know anyone and are only passingly familiar with the customs. And while I respect their need to “find themselves” in a “new, exotic environment,” I’m also like, maybe just go on a Royal Caribbean cruise or something?
This series could also be called Americans Are Kind Of The Worst, because it’s basically just a bunch of expatriates wandering around and saying “Gee, this is so much smaller than our house in Iowa! Why is there a washing machine in the kitchen? What country are we in? Who let me out of the United States??”
Property Virgins would be called This Is Just House Hunters Again
Seriously. It’s the exact same show. Like, please, be my guest and watch it, but just know that you are basically watching House Hunters again and you should maybe go outside.
Property Brothers would be called Look At These Handsome Twins
Please do not try to convince me that HGTV hired these guys because they were “extremely talented” and “good at their jobs.” The network knew exactly what it was doing: allowing women to fantasize about their dream home while simultaneously fantasizing about a three-way with the Scott twins. You know it, I know it, we all know it.
I mean just LOOK AT THIS:
That, my friends, is the mark of truly spectacular television.