I understand that when you love something, you theoretically would like as much of it as possible. I feel this way about many things: coffee, lipstick, orange cats, library books.
And in spite of the fact that I am more or less constantly watching “Gilmore Girls” on Netflix, I do not feel this way about the show’s revival, which arrives on Netflix November 25 in the form of four movie-length episodes. But I do not possess the willpower required to not watch it, so I probably will. I’m still afraid. And skeptical. And deeply distrustful.
Dean is so, so awful.
Ever since the Internet reported that Jared Padalecki would reprise his role as Dean in the revival, I’ve been worried that Rory and Dean are going to get back together. Have we not been there, folks? More than once. And it was terrible each time, because Dean is awful. (Yes, I am willing to fight people on this.) He was awful when everyone thought he was great, and he was still awful when he and Rory got back together at the end of Season 4. There has not been one single second of Dean Time when he wasn’t either demonstrating that he was totally threatened by Rory’s ambition, showing up when she said she wanted to be alone, or manifesting his inferiority complex in other unsuspecting people (hi, Lindsay!). The last time we saw him, he was moving furniture and yelling at Luke. If we have to see him again, it had better be in a scene in which he apologizes to Rory and Lindsay (and all women, for that matter), for being a smoldering garbage pile.
2. Ugh. Rory/Logan (or Rory/Jess)
Apparently every dude who has ever made prolonged eye contact with Rory will be returning for the revival, which includes Jess and Logan. I will spare you my theories about how Logan is a strange amalgam of Jess and Dean, or regale you with tales of how I used to hate him and have recently started to hate him less. I am glad Rory didn’t marry Logan, both because it would have been ridiculous for her to get married at 22 (sorry, everyone who married their college boyfriend), and because it was more satisfying to see her move into the world on her own. I’m going to be upset if Rory ends up married at the end of the revival, to anyone, even a new dude.
It’s not just because I’m sick of marriage being part of the resolution of female characters’ storylines, but because it doesn’t seem at all germane to her character. Have we ever heard Rory express interest in marriage? Yes, at the end of Season 7 when Logan proposed, but she turned him down. The writers are going to have to do some work to convince me that Rory’s into this now.
3. I hate Lorelei & Luke
Why do I watch this show? I hate everything I’m supposed to like about it, including Lorelai and Luke, the couple I’m supposed to be rooting for. I just liked them better when they were bantering about Lorelai’s eating habits, before they got together everything went to hell. I don’t need to know what happens after the final season, I’m fine with thinking things ended as they did, but by the end of Season 7, I wanted Lorelai and Luke to move on, way past one another and their endlessly tortured relationship. Maybe things will be different for them ten years in the future, but you still can’t convince me that there was ever/can ever be any actual chemistry between these two.
4. Richard is gone, so things are just sad
As the show’s creator Amy Sherman-Palladino said of Edward Hermann at the show’s 15 year reunion in Austin, Texas, “Fuck you for dying.” I’m not saying this show can’t exist without Richard Gilmore, but I’m having trouble imagining a universe in which Emily and Richard aren’t together. I hope that Emily as the Widow Gilmore will continue to be her sassy, irreverent self, but oh, it will be painful to watch the revival knowing that Richard isn’t ever coming back. It’s another thing that makes me wonder why a revival is even necessary. Can’t we just keep writing fan fiction?
5. Lane was the coolest. What did you do to her?
As far as I’m concerned, The Destruction of Lane Kim is one of the most unforgivable things ever to happen on television. There’s a scene towards the end of Season 7 in which Lane tells Zach (also, whatever, Zach) that her life was just starting to come together, and now she’s pregnant. With twins. She had sex once. It was bad. Why? Why would you do this to Lane, who will forever be alongside Paris Gellar for me as the best thing about this show? This plotline will never, ever make sense to me, and I don’t want to have to deal with it again, unless the writers have decided to convince us that Lane’s pregnancy was all a fever dream that didn’t actually happen.
Related-ish: 13 Lessons Gilmore Girls Taught Us About College