Girls from New England are tough. We endure harsh winters, read all the best books, know how to survive mosquito season and ice storms and pride ourselves on our practicality and love of all things Boston sports. Don’t even think about taking us to a Yankees game.
So, what’s a guy supposed to do when he wants to date a girl from Vermont, Rhode Island, Massachusetts, Maine, New Hampshire, or Connecticut? Here are 8 things to know going in.
1. Don’t make a big deal about the Ivy League.
She lives in an area where everyone and their dad went to Harvard or MIT and is now a professor there. It was totally normal to go to Harvard Square on the weekends and spend time at Dartmouth or Brown during leaf season. These schools don’t impress her. Be cool, and she will know you are.
2. Don’t even think of taking her to Starbucks.
It’s not that Starbucks has bad coffee. But they can’t compete with her beloved “Dunkies.” There is one on every corner in Boston and all over New England. It is less expensive and less frilly than Starbucks, which appeals to her practical New England sensibility. Order it “regular” (cream and sugar) to prove you know what you are doing, and you will earn her love forever.
3. You’ll always be second to Tom Brady.
He’s beautiful, talented, and plays for the greatest football team in the universe: the Pats. You won’t measure up. Don’t even try. And don’t even get her started on Deflategate, unless you want to have her conveniently lose your number after date one. On the flip side, if you just whisper “free Tom Brady” in her ear, it’s basically on par with deluging her in flowers, chocolates, and champagne.
4. Learn to apple pick like a boss.
Spring is mud season with a chill in the air, summer is deadly sweat and bug season, and winter, well, she may have a bit of PTSD from enduring that blizzard-rific half of the year. But fall. Ah, sweet fall. Fall is important AF to a girl from New England. The warm days give way to crisp nights, the smell of the bonfire is in the air, and the whole world lights up in shades of orange, red, and yellow. Wear a sweater, don your boots, and pick apples, and you’ll make a New England girl swoon.
5. Know the proper way to crack a lobster.
There are so many ways to embarrass yourself with a lobster, it’s almost impossible to count them all. The important thing is that you don’t. Look it up. Learn the ins and outs of soft versus hard shell, understand the etiquette of using crackers, and wrap your head around the best technique for using those teeny forks that help you dig out the meat. Do not, I repeat do not, splash anyone or make a mess. Don’t wear the bib, and for god’s sake, don’t waste the tomalley. It is, as they say, the best part.
6. Know the difference between Aunt Jemima and the real thing.
Oh, sweet boys, know this: When you invite a woman from New England for a homemade brunch, if you serve her anything other than real maple syrup (like, it came from a tree, not from a factory), then you can say au revoir. Or at least expect to be laughed at. We know our sap. And Aunt Jemima has nothing on real, warm, fresh maple syrup—preferably from a tree in Vermont.
7. Figure out which Cape town is yours and own it.
All New England natives have their fave Cape Cod town. Mine is Provincetown. If you know the area, you know what that means. Whatever it is, know it and love it, because a New England girl will judge you based on the Cape town you choose for your annual summer getaway. We know what each town represents, i.e. Eastham is laidback and crunchy, Truro’s laidback but WASP-ier, Chatham’s preppy and uber-affluent… We will judge compatibility accordingly.
8. Bleed blue.
A New England girl will likely be liberal. Sure, you have the occasional New Hampshire dweller who watches FOX News and voted for Mitt, but in general, the over-educated, liberal suburbs give birth to little Kennedy-loving children who vote Democratic and live and die by the Boston Globe. So, even if you’re apolitical, try to lean a little left if you want to hook a Northeastern hottie.
Related-ish: Tom Brady jumps off a cliff in Costa Rica (video)