All Of The Most Absurd Quotes From This Week’s Bachelor In Paradise

Read: masculinity was FRAGILE.

There are few things in the world that I love more than the opening sequence of Bachelor in Paradise. It views much like an SNL sketch, with Caila biting into an apple like a playful, raven-haired Snow White and Evan gnawing at a banana like… Evan.

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Yes, let’s start with Evan. Sugary and innocuous as his budding relationship with Carly is, my mouth puckers at the line:

“All it took was faking an injury” [to get the girl.]

If there is anything to sour the sweetness of that first kiss, it is the notion that Carly had to be deceived into falling for Evan. But let’s move on, because we have ground to cover and this is somehow the least Evan has irritated me all season.

Here are some of Daniel’s highlights from Monday night:

  • “Papa bear is in control! I’m gonna break someone’s heart tonight and I’m gonna like it.”
  • “I’m the king of the jungle, president of the states. I am Gandhi.”
  • “I’m gonna sit on my throne and I’m gonna let them come to me.”
  • “If you want this rose tonight, come to Papa bear. Let’s see what you got.”

He seems open to all forms of government. Still, his overzealous excitement pales in comparison to the twins’ conversation plotting how to win him over, culminating with Emily telling Ashley:

“You will swallow it and take it,” referring (thankfully) to kissing Daniel.

This leads us to another memorable quote of the night, from Daniel the romancer:

“When I see your butt I’m like, ‘damn, that’s amazing,’ and I want you to know that that’s how I feel about you.” Dammit, Daniel.

On a high from Haley’s reluctant kiss, he proceeds to give Always Crying Ashley some advice that is so hugely problematic commentary almost isn’t needed:

“Slut it up a little bit. F*#$ ten guys in a month…there’s a good chance you might like a lot of them.”

Then, he tells the camera:

“The fact that she’s a virgin is always a positive.”

Despite this dig at all women with sexual experience that propels me so far backwards in time that my petticoat is itching, the award for slut-shaming for the night goes to Always Crying Ashley, who has a bit to pick with Caila:

  • “Caila is fake and disingenuous…she smiles when you don’t have to smile.”
  • “Caila is clearly overly polite.”
  • “She’s a flirty girl. I do think she’s a backstabbing whore.”

That escalated quickly, Ash. Still, I am awarding Daniel with an honorable mention for his sheer number of alarming quotes:

  • “If the silver fox tries to take Haley away from Papa bear, Papa bear will destroy that silver fox.”
  • “The silver fox Ryan is trying to steal Haley the pigeon away from Papa bear, but I’m not gonna let that happen.”
  • “Obviously I’m intimidating to her, this big hunk of meat…she’s not used to that.”
  • Confusing animal metaphors aside, Dan, I do think Haley gets a say in all of this.

I’ll leave you with poor, despondent Vinnie, who despite his heartbreak, straightens up in front of his bros, promising them with manly assurance:

“Oh, I’m not going to start crying.”

Oh, Vinnie. Goodnight, sweet prince.

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