Don’t Be Like This Douchebag Who Is Telling Dudes To Hit On Women Wearing Headphones

If you’re a woman who has dared to sit in the back of an Uber while listening to a podcast, or walk down the street while listening to your favorite playlist, there is a decent chance that men have persisted in their efforts to “chat you up.” And, while the approach always seemed somewhat baffling to me, it is becoming increasingly common in the stable of flirtatious male “moves.”

Recently, alleged “Dating & Relationship Expert” Dan Bacon published an article on his blog which attempted to advise men on how to interact with women who happened to be wearing headphones.

Related-ish: Please Don’t Listen To This Man Telling You To Remove Your Engagement Ring During Job Interviews

The post revolved around the notion that women wearing headphones are open to flirtatious interactions, given the right approach — never mind the fact that most women don headphones only when they want to ensure that they will be given a certain amount of privacy or solitude.

But forget what women say they want! Dan Bacon knows what they really want (did you forget the unofficial title he bestowed on upon himself?!), and he’s endeavoring to share the fruits of his wisdom with many other men who walk the streets in search of available snatch.

I mean, just get an eye-full of the picture collage posted on his website:

dan bacon dating and relationship expert modern man Don’t Be Like This Douchebag Who Is Telling Dudes To Hit On Women Wearing Headphones

We can clearly see that Dan Bacon is an expert when it comes to interacting with women, as a fair number have evidently deigned to be seen in public with him.

So it’s very fortunate that Bacon is here to provide you with the necessary step-by-step tutorial for bugging women who would rather be left alone!

See if you can keep up with these complex and nuanced instructions:

1. Stand in front of her (with 1 to 1.5 meters between you).

2. Have a confident, easy-going smile.

3. If she hasn’t already looked up at you, simply get her attention with a wave of your hand. Wave your hand in her direct line of vision so she can see it.

Guys, not sure if you were previously aware, but women really love it if you block their path while they’re trying to walk somewhere. Bonus points if you wave your hand in her face like you’re trying to tell her the good news about your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!

4. When she looks at you, smile, point to her headphones and confidently ask, “Can you take off your headphones for a minute?” as you pretend to be taking headphones off your head, so she fully understands what you mean.

If she doesn’t understand that you want her to briefly take off her headphones, simply gesture that you want to talk to her by pointing back and forth from you to her and say, “I want to talk to you for a minute.”

The key to romance isn’t honesty or trust — it’s pure, unadulterated pantomime.

Make large, sweeping gesticulations to ensure the object of your affections understands that you are keen on mating. For good measure, throw in one of those hand gestures where you pretend your index finger is a penis and the other one is a vagina.

If that doesn’t make your intentions clear, nothing will!

5. If she takes off her headphones to talk to you, do what we call “Acknowledging the Awkwardness” by quickly mentioning something about the potential awkwardness of the moment … to demonstrate you understand that approaching a woman in this way isn’t the most common of experiences for either party.

Acknowledging that you are doing something kind of creepy makes it much easier to continue doing that creepy thing!

Most women are attracted to the strength in men (e.g. confidence, masculinity) and turned off by the weakness (e.g. nervousness, anxiety), so if you are nervous or anxious, she probably won’t be interested in talking to you.

Look: women are looking to date giant chunks of testosterone-filled meat, and there is just no denying it. Please leave your personality quirks and your “real self” at home, where they belong.

If we see weaknesses, we will become concerned that you are not a valuable asset for our company, and will not let you merge with our vagina. Obviously.

Some women like to test to see how confident a guy is by ignoring his attempts to converse with her and then seeing what he does next.

Ignoring you = she’s definitely into it, bro. Trust me.

As you may have noticed, women usually don’t go around actively approaching men in public places or even in bars or clubs.

Women know that is the man’s role to be confident enough to walk over and talk to a woman he finds attractive, so they have a chance to meet. If he doesn’t do that, a woman will rarely walk over and talk to him first.

We, as women, know that it is simply not fitting (*spoken in a thick, Southern accent*) for unaccompanied or unmarried women to approach a man. Our reputations would surely be ruined! (*Fans self lightly*)

Most single women are open to being approached by a confident guy, so that they can have a chance to meet a potential new lover or boyfriend.

Okay, please never say the word “lover” in my presence ever again, Dan Bacon. Unless you’re wearing polyester while lounging on a shag carpet.

So, what have we learned from Dan Bacon’s generous advice to his dude-bros?

Well, we discovered that women wearing headphones are, in fact, totally fair game for random guys on the street looking to chat someone up — despite the fact that they’re probably wearing headphones for a reason.

We learned that it is men’s responsibility to approach women, not the other way around (and don’t you forget it, ladies!).

And, we learned that Dan Bacon is one of those men who is partially responsible for the harmful misconceptions about consent (i.e., “‘No‘ means ‘Try harder‘”), and that his website proudly displays photos of his collection of women.

So, on second thought — maybe don’t take advice from this man, guys of the world. Perhaps just assume that if a woman has her ears plugged, she’s not interested in listening to what you have to say.

Related-ish: These Kindergartners Are Spot On When It Comes To Relationship Advice

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