When it comes to sex, there are few things a man won’t stick their dick in if they’re horny enough. I learned this because personally, I have a penis and know that it makes rational and normal decisions seem impossible at times.
Growing up, since I was in the closet and most of my girlfriends we’re extremely religious and therefore sex was off the table, I became an expert at finding weird things to “fill the void.” In retrospect, everything I did in terms of masturbation was pretty standard. However, recently I was talking to a close friend and they admitted to shoving their penis in a hollowed out cucumber because it had a natural lubricant.
When he told me this I stared at him with disbelief; this was the same guy who spends half of his Sunday meal-prepping and the other half catching up on world news so he would be informed. It was difficult for me to believe that even the most put-together men would be willing to try some insane shit in order to get off.
I wanted to know if this was common: using random objects you’d usually use to make a garden salad as sex toys. I asked 10 of my closest male friends about the oddest things they’ve used as sex toys and their answers may shock you, I sure as hell know they shocked me.
1. Brad, 24.
“One time I cut open a banana, squeezed it all out, microwaved it, and then tried to jerk off with it. Not a great idea. I’ll just leave it at that.”
2. Sam, 32.
“I’ve tried to fuck a watermelon that I had hollowed out with a scoop.”
3. Eliel, 29.
“I’ve taken a tub sock and filled it with petroleum jelly and tried to fuck it. It was just really messy.”
4. Michael, 31.
“I’ve definitely tried to fuck an apple pie before like American Pie.”
5. Joshua, 28.
“I’ve tried to vacuum my dick once. ….It didn’t really work out so well.”
6. Christopher, 29.
“I’ve definitely used a cucumber as a dildo before.”
7. Paul, 32.
“I’ve posted up behind the jacuzzi jet and it felt amazing, not going to lie.”
8. Oliver, 26.
“Oh, definitely have used the shower head on myself before, that’s been pretty awesome.”
9. James, 29.
“I one time found a condom and used it as a make-shift cock ring from it, really really worked!”
10. Andy, 32.
“I’ve lightly microwaved a room temperature burrito once and tried to enter it. Definitely didn’t work out and sort of made my dick burn.”