Summer has come and gone too quickly, as always. All those promises you made the kids have been broken, but there’s still time to get in some last minute fun so that they can brag to their friends about all the awesome shit you did with them this summer. Yeah, it may not be Disney World or a trip to the fucking Alps, but don’t fret. You can still look like an awesome parent without too much time, effort or money.
1. Take them to a water park and let them get ALL THAT energy out.
Because nothing is more fun than marinating in the urine of other people’s children, and watching your children try to drink that sweet, sweet water.
2. Take them on a mini road trip — just make sure they’ve got games in the backseat.
The bickering, the fighting, the car sick kids. You too can have a great weekend filled with this bullshit. Just pack a bag and drive as far as you fucking can before you snap. It’ll be damn great.
3. Take those kids camping for a night.
Camping: it’s the best way to give your kids a budding and irrational fear of bears, snakes, ants — you name it. Step 1: Freak out at them when they drop food all over the ground. Step 2: Hang food in the trees (to keep away from the damn bears). Step 3: Stay awake all night, shining the flashlight out of the tent every time you hear the slightest noise outside. It’ll wake the kids and scare the shit out of them. These are memories they’ll come back to forever, folks.
4. Zip lines are a good idea (maybe?)
For a low, low price, you can buy your own zip line for your kids and set it up in your own freaking yard. Your kids will love you for it, until they break their bones.
5. Have a major water balloon fight.
This shit will take you HOURS to set up, but then you can pummel your kids repeatedly with water balloons. To make this even more fun, hide the balloons from the kids and give them no ammo. Or, help them blow up about 200 water balloons and invite every one of your kids’ friends over to make a memorable weekend afternoon extra cool. Someone will end up crying, though.
6. Take your kids to the zoo, where probably everyone else on earth will be.
What’s better than a trip to the zoo on a hot day? All the animals will be hiding in the shade and you’ll get to make your kids cry when the monkey exhibit is closed. You’ll get to make them cry again when they can’t fucking decide what to get at the gift shop, and they leave with nothing.
7. Get a little entrepreneurial and make a lemonade stand.
A lemonade stand will get your kids dreaming about that new bike they’ve been pestering you for. “I’ll buy it with the money I earn, mom!” But then no one will stop at their fucking stand because you live at the end of a fucking dead end street. Can’t hurt to try, right?
8. Host a serious dodgeball game.
Getting hit in the face with a dodgeball is a great way to end your summer. Invite all your friends and all your kids’ friends, and throw those balls as hard as you can.