It’s the end of the week, so it’s time to unwind, prepare for the weekend, and take a tally of who managed to piss us off the most throughout the course of the past seven days!
It wasn’t an easy task, but here are a few of the contenders. Also included are proposed punishments for their crimes against humanity.
1. Anthony Weiner
The former New York congressman has been media fodder since he made headlines in 2011 for sexting with women who were not his wife (and then accidentally sharing those messages on Twitter). A similar incident occurred again in 2013 (though presumably, since he was sexting under the moniker of “Carlos Danger,” he assumed he was being discreet). This week, evidence of another sexting scandal emerged, and photos sent by Weiner to an anonymous woman became public — most notably, a snapshot of Weiner’s aroused crotch, which shared the frame with his sleeping toddler.
Yes: the man attempted to send a sexual photograph of himself which also included his young son. Ew. Gross. Stop. Please.
Weiner’s wife, Huma Abedin, took the incident as the final straw (the one millionth straw is the charm, apparently), and announced her legal separation from Weiner on Monday.
It takes a special kind of “Aw HELL Naw!” contender to not only essentially cheat on his partner (we can’t get into the semantics of fidelity as it relates to sexting right now), but to also include a pretty creepy photo of his young son next to his crotch.
Proposed punishment: Having to use a photo of his own penis as his wallpaper forever and ever.
2. Dan Bacon
This alleged “Relationship & Dating Expert” made waves this week when he took to his blog and advised men on how to hit on women who were wearing headphones. Bacon assured his readers that “some women like to test to see how confident a guy is by ignoring his attempts to converse with her and then seeing what he does next.”
Basically: even if she looks like she doesn’t want to talk to you, don’t let that stop you from approaching her!
The distinctly misogynist article is an accurate example of men’s misconception about consent (basically, “Keep trying until she says no!”), and received a fair amount of backlash online (and from yours truly).
Sorry, Dan Bacon. Forcing an interaction when there isn’t an opening for one doesn’t make you an expert in anything except “Not Being Able To Read The Room.”
Proposed punishment: Being interrupted every single time he attempts to put on a pair of headphones.
3. The Guy Who Had Sex With A Chicken Sandwich
This week, humanity reached a new contemptible low when a video of a man masturbating with a McChicken Sandwich went viral.
Why did it go viral?
I mean, I feel like that’s something that you should ask your parents. I really don’t know. But I’m praying for answers.
The person who originally posted the video (a dude allegedly named “Kevin”) insisted that he was not the McChicken-lover in question — but I’m pretty dubious as to why you would be in possession of such footage if you were not *ahem* intimately linked with its subjects.
Poor McDonald’s. Poor Kevin. Poor eyeballs everywhere. We deserved better than this.
Proposed punishment: Having to eat the McChicken he violated.
4. Chris Brown
Former beauty queen Baylee Curran called 911 from the sidewalk at 3 AM on Tuesday morning, alleging that R&B singer Chris Brown had held her at gunpoint in his Los Angeles home before she managed to escape. A SWAT team arrived at Brown’s residence and had a long standoff while they awaited a search warrant.
During the 14-hour standoff, Brown remained active on social media, posting increasingly bizarre video rants to his Instagram feed. According to TMZ, Brown apparently threw a duffel bag of guns and drugs out the window, and taunted police officers by saying “come and get me!”
Brown was arrested taken to the Los Angeles County Jail before being released on a $250,000 bail later during the day on Tuesday.
Curran told the Los Angeles Times that Brown and another man in his entourage had become agitated with her when she remarked on the man’s diamond necklace. She says Brown pointed a gun at her face, and that he and the anonymous man chased Curran and her friend out of the house and onto the street, where the women hid underneath a neighbor’s SUV.
This is the most recent in a long string of Brown’s run-ins with the law. Brown received a felony conviction for assaulting then-girlfriend Rihanna in 2009, and was charged with another assault in 2013. He was sentenced to court-ordered rehab, but was discharged from the facility for allegedly violating its rules. He was also accused of throwing a brick at his mother’s car.
While it’s clear that there are some complex and nuanced dynamics at play here (including the difficult process of dealing with addiction), the fact that this is not the first of Brown’s assaults against women earns him a place on this week’s “Aw HELL Naw!” list.
Proposed punishment: Never releasing another hit single? I dunno, it’s hard to punish someone when they are clearly impervious to punishment.
5. This Fall Pumpkin (Again)
Once more, I’m not really sure who this man is (can someone please tell me his name, already??) but he’s been blowing a lot of hot air out of his mouth hole this week.
Most recently, after a visit to Mexico, this Unknown Hay Bale Impersonator insisted that he would begin constructing a wall between Mexico and the United States, in the (increasingly unlikely) event that he is elected President. He also vowed that Mexico would foot the bill for the large and unnecessary divider, even though they have never agreed to such a proposal.
It’s not especially new (this inflated Kewpie doll has been making this threat since the beginning of his campaign), but it is aggravating enough to earn him a spot on our “Aw HELL Naw!” list — because hearing something over and over again certainly doesn’t make it any less annoying.
Proposed punishment: Having Mexico build a wall around him. AND HE’S GONNA PAY FOR IT, BELIEVE ME.