Kittens aren’t just purring fluff balls. They’re descendants of wild animals that will attack and kill their prey — and when you live with a kitten, rest assured you are being hunted. It is no longer a safe space. It is now a jungle — and your fingers, toes, hair and face are as tempting as tiny chirping birds. But then the kitten sleeps, and you melt into some all-loving, totally kind human mush. The emotional rollercoaster that is owning a new kitten is a struggle so nuanced it’s hard to express to people without cats.
I now introduce you to all the emotions ever, via Lolo the Kitten.
Related-ish: These Cats Are All Of Us After Labor Day Weekend
1. Exhausted. Your desire for sleep becomes real AF.
Because your new kitten is nocturnal, chances are he is awake waiting for you to wake up. And waiting. And waiting. And at some point, Kitten will get fed up and start meowing or walking on your face. He wants food, play and attention — and he wants it now. And now is 5 a.m. You will likely finagle ways to get him to stop — ignoring him while he cries or feeding him because you’re his bitch now — but somehow you’re never that angry about it because OMG THAT FACE.
2. Disappointed. You will find it very difficult to engage in spontaneous sex.
Imagine that little face…watching you. On the couch about to make out? Cat’s there. On the bed with kitten when the mood strikes? Gotta get up and take him out. On the floor having sex? He is watching. There’s a little bit of sadness when you realize you’re sharing space with a tiny creature who is very curious about your naked body. Ugh.
3. Desperate. You will literally let kitten do anything just to get some peace.
When your cat gets into his crazy moments — zipping across the room, running across the couch back and forth, chewing on the ends of your hair, running through your feet as you walk — you will do anything to get him to back off. Throw a toy, dangle a rope — whatever it takes. But sometimes kitten just wants to bat your shit around. He doesn’t want a fancy toy. He just wants destruction.
4. Creeped. You will feel sketched out a lot of the time.
Kitten has a habit of watching you from a high post or hiding beneath something and staring at you as you eat. It’s this really odd mixture of adorable and uncomfortable. And you kind of like it? Maybe? It makes you feel…wanted? But it also makes you feel a little creeped out, because he’s always there…watching.
5. Exasperation. You JUST NEED TO PEE IN PEACE, please.
Kitten loves watching you put on makeup, take a shower, go pee — everything. And when you stand up to wash your hands, he will peer into the toilet to watch, because he’s an animal inside your home, and he is easily amused.
6. Obsession. You realize that Instagram is the best place for kitten.
There are two types of cat owners: the kind that Instagrams their cat on their own Instagram, and one (me) that Instagrams their cat on their cat’s own Instagram account. Both are equally obnoxious. But why wouldn’t you Instagram your cat when he looks like this?
7. Happiness. Happiness is a napping kitty.
You love when he’s awake, but there’s a 50% chance he will be a total maniac. So when he’s sleeping peacefully, having a kitten is everything.
8. Fear. Kittens are expensive AF.
Week one: $200.00 for food, a kitty bed, kitty milk, toys, a litter box and a bunch of other random crap. Week two: $300.00 for doctor appointment and medicine. Coming up: more money for shots, and bi-weekly shipments of cat food. That’s real actual money that must be spent on the thing that terrorizes you every day. But also, he’s just so precious.
9. Hopelessness. Kitten wants to eat everything.
The amount of food they go through is sort of insane. But they will also try and eat or chew or teeth on paper, your hair, your plants and other inanimate things. Kitten-proofing is a thing.
10. Appreciation. Kitten will always be there when you’re sad.
When your boyfriend sucks and your parents are lame, kitten is there. And kitten is wonderful and kind (mostly).