When the world of emoji collided with the Age of Sexting, it was only natural that the entwinement would result in the sexualization of seemingly innocent (yet phallic) emoji. Nothing is safe — not the chili peppers, or champagne bottles, or even cacti.
That said, there are still certain emoji that rise up above the rest when it comes to conveying penises. There are champions, and there are duds.
The next time you feel compelled to discusses penises via text (so, like, every day, I’m assuming), please refer to this handy ranking of phallic emoji to determine the best and most effective method of saying “Break me off a piece o’ that”:
15. Ice Cream Cone
Ok. Not too shabby. It’s phallic enough. And can you lick them. Plus the vanilla cream certainly has a connotation that fits the sentiment, but something about a cold, drippy ice cream cone just doesn’t say “sexy times ahead” to me.
Phallic? Check. Subtle “wood” reference? Check. But it reminds me too much of Christmas, which in turn reminds me of my family, and the last thing I want to think about when sexting is my family sitting in their robes opening gifts on Christmas morning. Possibly a good choice if you’re into lumberjack fantasies, but otherwise you can do better.
I understand the joke, I promise — “LOL, it’s the male plug, which, as everyone knows, goes into the female plug, much like a penis!” While this is all very witty and good, let us not forget that plugs have PRONGS, and unless you’re into some kinky shit, getting “pronged” by a dude just doesn’t do it.
Part of me wants to say this is the worst possible penis emoji, but if your thing is rough sex, or anal, it’s probably an excellent choice.
Sure, we all wish that penises were made of sugar, but sadly, humans have yet to evolve this particularly beneficial feature.
10. Whatever TF This Is
Solid. Possibly better if I had any clue what it was. I think maybe it’s sushi on a stick?
9. Baby Bottle
While it’s kind of weird to make this connection, there’s no denying that a baby bottle is both phallic and squirts white liquid.
For those of you who are wishing to convey the concept of a “chode,” this is perfect. Its short, stubby appearance is probably vastly familiar to many unfortunate recipients of unsatisfactory one night stands.
Yes, “Trouser Snake” is a thing (for better or worse), so the usage of this emoji is semi-acceptable.
Heh. “Cock.” Get it?
If we’re being honest with ourselves, rockets are incredibly expensive and require extensive amounts of maintenance — are they really the objects we want to associate with penises? Also, don’t a handful of them explode before they reach their projected destination? *AHEM?* Just a thought.
Pretty good, though just two words of caution: dog boner.
A good, solid, phallic shape. Sure, the husk seems to say something weird about circumcision, but I’m willing to roll with it.
A classic. Not only do people essentially use the word “banana” as a search and replace for “penis,” but the actual appearance of a banana is equitable to the appearance of male genitals. Plus, you get a nice curve, which really ups the reality factor.
You just can’t dethrone the best. The One Penis Emoji To Rule Them All. No only does this character convey girth and curve, but there’s even a jaunty little cap, to remind you of “the tip.” I wouldn’t be surprised if they started creating eggplant-inspired sex toys, to be honest.