Though the number of people Taylor Swift has dated doesn’t exceed the number of times Kanye has said crazy shit on social media, it is certainly sizable. No shame — she’s like any other girl our age. She should be dating!
Like snowflakes, each one of her beaus is surprisingly different than the rest. I often ponder to myself, which one would I, basic white girl, date? I’m sure others wonder the same, because what else do you do with your day other than stalk the lives of rich talented people online? It’s time that these perplexing questions get addressed. From literally never meeting you, I have scientifically determined which of Taylor’s boyfriends you would date if given the chance, and it’s probably extremely inaccurate foolproof. Read on, curious celebrity stalkers.
If you’re into: The Partier
…you’d date Calvin Harris. House music, EDM, or whatever those, erm, sounds, are that come together to form dance music these days, then you’d date Calvin. He’s classically hot, and though I can’t say for sure, he probably is into the nightlife scene, because, well, he’s a DJ. What was that? You said you’re not into guys that use “U” instead of “you” on social media? I couldn’t hear you over the perpetual ringing in my ears.
If you’re into: The Older Mature Guy
…you’d date Jake Gyllenhaal. You’re like, so over guys your own age, so naturally you are attracted to your friend’s hot dad or your philosophy instructor or whoever is graying within a 20-mile radius. You would obviously go for Jake because with all his wisdom he actually understands human emotions, unlike 97 percent of guys under the age of 24.
If you’re Into: The Unavailable Bad Boy
…you’d date John Mayer, even though John Mayer (and the guys like him) can only lead to one thing—heartbreak. I’ll tell you that, but you’re not going to listen (you never do) because he’s a musician and has a bad boy reputation and thinks your body is a wonderland and blah blah blah you’re not listening because you’re too busy being the girl planning a 12-step guide to “changing” him. When he inevitably dumps you, I promise to not say I told you so if you promise to tell me what he was like in bed.
If you’re into: The Sensitive Type
…you’d date Harry Styles. For someone who was once in a boy band, Harry surprisingly gives off a hipster, artistic vibe. Maybe it’s the tattoos. Maybe it’s the skinny ties. Maybe it’s the soulful look in his eyes that says: “tell me all of your secrets so that we can build #trust,” but I feel like Harry would be the kind of guy to actually know that something’s wrong when you say“I’m fine.”
If you’re into: The Status Symbol
…you’d date Conor Kennedy. If you like a guy that draws a crowd, takes you to fancy cocktail parties where you have to wear a long dress, and who vacations in places such as Martha’s Vineyard/ St. Barts/ some villa off the coast of southern France, then Connor would be your guy. With all that status and wealth comes family secrets, so always be on your toes in this relationship. Another reason you might be dating Connor? You’re a cougar (and if so, more power to ya).
If you’re into: The Guy Who You Friend-zoned
…you’d date Taylor Lautner. Because you’re constantly friend-zoning the nice guys, then hooking up with them anyway, and then deciding that you should be “just friends” again, you would definitely would date Taylor. Just like Taylor did. Ugh, this is confusing. But seriously, why do all the nicest guys finish last? Just look at those dimples.
If you’re into: Boy Band Boys
…you’d date Joe Jonas. Okay, to be fair a lot of guys that are on this list are musicians. But Joe Jonas doesn’t really have any other distinguishing qualities, so sorry music lovers, you’re stuck with him. At least his new ~edgy~ band DNCE is kind of cool (if you don’t remind yourself that once upon an awkward time you had Joe’s poster hanging on your wall with hearts scribbled on it). Now if you’ll excuse me I’ll be eating a literal slice of cake by the ocean.
If you’re into: Guys that You Can’t Figure Out
…you’d date Tom Hiddleston. I categorize Tom like this because I literally cannot figure him out. Is he a cute and sensitive romantic? Is he a sexy and mysterious newbie that uses his accent to make your panties drop? Is he just another blockbuster actor dude? Is he *gasp* all of those things? The world may never know, but we’ll stay interested as long as he’s dating Tay, which he’s not, as of, like, five minutes ago.
Good luck dating these guys, ladies. I love Taylor, but if you steal her man that girl will find you and she will ruin you faster than she starts dating the next guy.