just to be safe, i wear no pants after labor day
— beth loves cake, so (@bourgeoisalien) September 5, 2016
Im in the corner
watching u kiss her
Im right over here
finding newspaper articles from her childhood
reading all her tweets
— sadie dupuis (@sad13) September 5, 2016
My greatest dream is to make fun of dudes who enjoy seasonal lagers half as much as they make fun of women who like pumpkin spice lattes.
— Jennifer Wright (@JenAshleyWright) September 6, 2016
Every day I'm going to try harder to be less passive aggressive. I wish that was important to you too.
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) September 5, 2016
but if people can't see i'm wearing headphones how will they know not to talk to me this is a disaster apple
— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) September 7, 2016
If your alarm clock isn't just your body waking you up before you diarrhea in your bed, we live very different lives.
— Annie Lederman (@annielederman) September 5, 2016
ME: So happy iPhone 7 is water resistant
GUY: You play a lot of water sports?
[flashback to me crying at pic of a puppy on my phone]
— erin chack (@ErinChack) September 7, 2016
I went to the gym with a stain on my shirt and immediately was asked if it was chocolate. Life perfect?
— nicole byer (@nicolebyer) September 7, 2016
"I hate her."
– my goal weight
— Nerdine Boo (@brennadine) September 7, 2016
oh dang forgot "to slay" today
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) September 7, 2016
I want to bathe in San Pellegrino.
— Tess Barker (@TesstifyBarker) September 7, 2016
How horrible would it be if you fucked someone and then found out their favorite candy bar was 3 Musketeers?
— Desi (@DesiJed) September 7, 2016
My 5yo just turned to me and said "cheese makes me feel like a god."
— Amanda (@Manda_like_wine) September 8, 2016
There's nothing like paying $5 for a coffee to make me feel like I'm doing literally everything wrong.
— Alyssa Wolff (@alyssawolff) September 7, 2016
I VERY STUPIDLY THOUGHT I COULD SING THE END OF LOVE ON TOP AT KARAOKE AND I WAS VERY WRONG
— grace spelman (@GraceSpelman) September 8, 2016
Walking around in a Juicy Couture sweatsuit and living my best 2003 self.
— Catie Warren (@catie__warren) September 8, 2016
Ugh men need to realize I'm more than a number to just send their dankest memes to in the middle of the night
— Lynn Bixenspan (@lynnbixenspan) September 8, 2016
All right, summer. Call your mom to come pick you up.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) September 6, 2016
"Remember, all your high school friends own houses now" -facebook
— Ari Scott (@ariscott) September 8, 2016
Idea: a brand of adult diapers called Urine Control. 💡
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) September 8, 2016
Gaining weight is like being a pitcher having a no hitter- everyone knows what's happening but no one can talk about it.
— Peggy O'Leary (@PeggyOLeary) September 8, 2016
My favorite Instagram filter is Look How Great My Life Is
— Giulia Rozzi (@GiuliaRozzi) September 6, 2016
Aaaaand one dude…
I can't believe it's already Summer Went By So Fast season.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) September 9, 2016