Here’s What The Sinners Are Buying On Amazon This Week

We know you’ve been waiting, counting down the hours even, until this week’s naughty best-sellers list. Well, the wait has come to an end.

I’ve spent the last hour combing through hundreds of products in search for the dirtiest of the dirty, the most deviant of all deviants, and the list is finally complete. Here is what our favorite horny sinners are buying on Amazon this week.

Related-ish: A Definitive Ranking Of Emoji That Can Be Used To Represent A Penis


1. Waterproof Ultra Soft Silicone Clitoral Massager Sex Toy

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First on the list, is this nifty little dual pleasure toy. As you can see from the very NSFW photos, it’s designed to keep your man stiff and your lady bits stimulated. Amazon reviewers gave the product a solid 5 stars, raving that it “Helps they guys last long and the girls go faster.”

Get it HERE

2. Aneros Helix Syn Silicone Prostate Massager

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This device, bearing an uncomfortable resemblance to some sort of squid or sea creature, is designed to give men the ultimate prostate pleasure experience. While this isn’t an area I will pretend to be versed in, one reviewer says the product will give you the “most unbelievable experience you have ever had.”

Get it HERE

3. BDSM Fetish Fantasy Dog’s Bone Mouth Gag

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Oh, god. Here it is, the first product of the week that really gave us cause for concern. Yes, I know ball gags are a thing and some people just get all hot and bothered by them. However, as a dog mom the shape of a dog bone is very unsettling. Amazon shoppers can’t get enough of it, though, almost all reviews point to 5 stars.

Get it HERE

4. Strict Leather Harness with 3 Penile Straps

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I honestly don’t quite know how to feel about this product. It’s aggressive, to say the least, particularly with the “penile straps”. Then again, if BDSM is your cup of tea this might be on your wish list. According to the product description, it’s designed to “keep his erection in check.” We don’t want that thing going all floppy on us, do we?

Get it HERE

5. Blow Job Bib

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While this is more ideal for your next bachelorette party, it’s pretty fucking hilarious. I mean, really, a blowjob bib? Who thinks of this stuff? What’s even better, is that some people are legitimately using these. One reviewer commented, “Lady loved it. She is awfully sloppy – this gives her the protection needed to keep her and her clothes clean.”

Get it HERE

6. Kalan Fck You Here’s A Present Gift Bag

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We need these for our boss’s next present (don’t worry he’s got a good sense of humor.) I mean, it doesn’t get more straight forward than that. Such a love/hate relationship ya know? Fuck you, but here’s a present.

Get it HERE

7. Pipedream Extreme Lasagna Lips

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Let’s start with the fact that this product has the words “lasagna lips” in its title. If that’s not a deterrent, I’m not really sure what is. Apparently, Amazon buyers are loving this rather well endowed flesh light. I beg of you to read the full product description, you will not be disappointed.

Get it HERE

8. Kalan I Love Vagina Drinking Cup

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This is the cup of all cups right here. Nothing says thirsty like an “I ❤️ Vagina” lable. Be the life of the party with this NSFW (except at our office) novelty item. It holds 20 0z of liquid, how much wine is that?

Get it HERE

9. Lush – The Most Powerful Bluetooth Remote Control Bullet Vibrator

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Tbh, I read the name of this product in my head like a movie narrator “THE WORLD’S MOST POWERFUL VIBRATOR.” Anyway, this bullet vibrator is supposedly the most powerful Bluetooth operated bullet on the market. The best part, you can even sync it to music. Okay, we’re sold.

Get it HERE

10. Metal Spider Ring Gag with Head Slave Harness Nose Hook

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Jesus, what is this? No judgements here, but this contraption looks like something Edward Scissorhand would make his sex slave wear. I’m all for trying new things, but this seems like a very embarrassing emergency room trip waiting to happen.

Get it HERE

11. Men’s Novelty Underwear, Elephant Squeaker

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Any form of male g-string will send us into a giggle fit, but this one right here is pure gold. Where is Magic Mike when you need him? Not to mention, it has a fucking squeaker in it. My dog would probably go straight for that thing…yikes!

Get it HERE

12. The Screaming O Snorkelo Vibrator

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Do you ever see those guys at your community pool wearing nose plugs? That’s what this reminds me of, except instead of swimming he’s going downtown on you. This ridiculous product actually allows for “breathe easy” airflow AND it vibrates, a win win.

Get it HERE

13. Soft Silicone 3D Sex Doll Blonde, with Heating Stick

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You knew it was coming, that one product your worst nightmares couldn’t even create. Here it is…although I don’t even know how to adequately describe “it”. It’s obviously a sex doll, but where are the arms and legs, why does she look like the knight from Monty Python who lost all his limbs? And why do her boobs look like that?? There’s so much disturbing going on here we’ll leave you to take it all in.

Get it HERE

See Also: 15 People Told Us The Most Bizarre Thing They’ve Been Asked To Do In Bed

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