Anatomy Of A Thirst Trap, As Told By Calvin Harris’ Instagram

The thirst trap of the week is blonde man Calvin Harris; record producer, DJ, and ex-boyfriend of blonde woman Taylor Swift. Let me reiterate our working definition of thirst trap:

“Any statement or picture used to intentionally create attention or ‘thirst,’” wherein ‘thirst’ means ‘lust’.’

Let me also reiterate my general disclaimer for this type of thing, which is that our intention here is not to throw shade; it is to very scientifically anatomize our favorite celebrity Thirst Traps for the purposes of expanding our TT knowledge, allowing us to live our own best Thirst Trap lives. So, without further ado:

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Let’s work our way down:

Lighting: Make sure the lighting in the room provides proper contrast, enough to enhance the shadow on the v-line but not so much light it washes those abs out. It’s a delicate balance.

Pose with a less attractive friend: Ah, but of course. The oldest trick in the book! There is no way to boost your own sexual allure like posing with a less attractive friend. I’m sorry, Calvin Harris’ manager, but in this instance it was you. Happens to the best of us.

Stare intently anywhere but the camera: Here’s the thing: most of the time- but not all the time- a thirst trap will ooze their trap juice via selfie. When the photo in question is not a selfie, it is important to not look directly at the camera lens. Look slightly off guard, aloof, even.

Pout: The pout. The pout!

Flex, casually: Be dressed in nothing but your underpants, then flex as casually as possible. You don’t want people to think you’re working as hard as you are to show off that muscle definition. This is easily the most difficult thing to master and requires hours of practice in front of a mirror.

Armani underwear: Bruh, dead giveaway. Nobody wears Armani underwear! Smh. Disappointed.

Blurry: Some blurriness can add a little je-ne-sais-quois vibe to your picture, like it’s an action shot and you look this great even when you’re not posing. Make sure it’s not too blurry though! Remember! Muscle definition!

Make the caption seem as though the picture is for/about someone else: It’s important to be humble. Like, duh, this is all about an ego stroke, but people don’t have to know that! Pretend you’re honoring someone else! Like the less attractive friend to your left.

For your pleasure (and knowledge!), we’ve included another photo anatomization below. Science!

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Let’s work our way down, again:

Fresh cut: A fresh cut is indisputably the best excuse for posting a selfie, especially if you don’t mention it in the caption. Leave ’em wondering, you know? Something’s a little different, but what is it? What is it?

Lighting: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again— there’s no selfie light like natural light. Contrast people,👏 C👏 O👏 N👏 T👏 R👏 A👏 S👏 T!👏

Lil tongue between the teeth action: You are very subliminally getting across your love of fun, your silliness, and how you never take yourself too seriously (unless you’re dragging your ex on Twitter in which case all bets are off.) If you’re not pouting, you need to have your tongue between your teeth. I don’t make the rules! It’s the law of the thirst trap.

Gotta eat oatmeal shirtless: This is a good excuse to take your shirt off. Like, if some dribbled off your spoon onto your sculpted chest, you can just get a hot chick to lick it off or something.

Little bit o chest hair: Not a lot bbgrl, just a lil bit.

Show ’em you can cook: There’s a lot more to you than just dashing good looks, perfectly straight teeth, and a new haircut! There’s a skillset behind that gorgeous face, and it involves pouring hot water into instant oatmeal.

Pretend the caption is relevant to the least relevant part of the picture: Obviously anyone couldn’t care less what Calvin Harris is ‘preparing’ for or how oatmeal is ‘preparation’ for whatever is coming. He could have a steaming pile of dogshit in that bowl and nobody would even notice. This harps back to that ‘humble’ thing I was talking about earlier. Just because *you* know it’s not really about oatmeal, doesn’t mean everyone else does.

Also See! Anatomy Of A Thirst Trap, As Told By Ariel Winter’s Instagram

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