13(ish) Celebs Whose Threesomes I Honestly Don’t Want To Hear About

I have never fully understood the mechanics of threesomes, and part of me hopes I never do. It always seems like, no matter how you cut it, someone ends up getting kind of jilted or left out of the action (twiddling one’s thumbs takes on a whole new meaning here) — it also seems like it could easily become kind of a mess.

In short: I’m just not really impressed by them, nor do I care whether or not you’ve had one.

Look, I know that participating in a ménage à trois is supposedly very exotic and exciting, but, in truth, my ears do not need to be regaled with tales of intermingling body parts and how one of you breathlessly asked the third person “What’s your name again?”

Here are a handful of celebrities who have allegedly engaged in three-ways. And, while these celebrities are all very attractive and successful (more or less), and I applaud them for their sexual adventurousness, I don’t really need to know any of the details.

Which is fortunate, because they’re celebrities and they don’t talk to me.

Related-ish: 14 People Share Their Super Awkward Threesome Stories

1. Lady Gaga

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No one is shocked by the whispers and murmurs that Gaga and former fiancé Taylor Kinney allegedly engaged in a bit of threesome action, least of all me. The pair apparently had a semi-open relationship, so another person was bound to wriggle into the mix somehow. And yes, I’m sure it was wild and somehow involved bucketloads of paint.

2. Ashton Kutcher & Demi Moore

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Moore, who identifies as bisexual, was apparently open to Kutcher bringing other ladies into the couple’s bedroom. Which really doesn’t do much to alter my personal opinions about Kutcher being kind of a shitbag.

3. Jason Biggs & Jenny Mollen

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Mollen apparently hired a hooker to participate in a threesome for Biggs’ 35th birthday — which is very nice, and all, the but the rendezvous didn’t quite go as planned. “[Jenny]

 was actually on the bed, watching, eating a bag of chips, laughing, so as you can imagine, I wasn’t really performing to the best of my abilities,” Biggs recounted in an interview. “Also, said prostitute wasn’t engaging with my wife the way I hoped she would, so it all kind of fell apart.” Which, honestly, is probably the most relatable threesome in the history of the world.

4. Kim Kardashian

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Once again, I’m having a difficult time summoning up my “Shocked Face” for this. Kim allegedly engaged in a threesome with two porn stars during a “Los Angeles swingers party” in 2011. Which, as I’m led to believe, is just an average Los Angeles party.

5. Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt

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Brad and Angelina are essentially the poster couple for ~*experimental romances*~ and, as such, are pretty much contractually obligated to engage in a threesome. Which they did. With a Victoria’s Secret model, apparently.

6. Tiger Woods

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Woods allegedly paid two women to stay quiet after participating in a threesome with them in Phoenix, Arizona. To be fair, there’s not a lot to do in Phoenix.

7. JFK & Elizabeth Taylor

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Okay, I take it back — I actually want to know EVERYTHING about this threesome. Taylor wrote about the sexual encounter in her autobiography, stating that she went skinny-dipping with John F. Kennedy and another actor, and that the pool session “got a little wild.” And at this point, I’m not sure whether I wildly respect Liz Taylor or just fear her. Maybe a bit of both?

8. Rob Lowe

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This particular threesome has already gotten plenty of airtime, since the incident was captured on tape, and one of the girls was underage. (Yeeeeesh.) Luckily, Lowe has since been over 20 years sober, and now (bizarrely enough) claims that the scandal was “the greatest thing that happened to me.”

9. Jane Fonda

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Fonda apparently participated in threesomes in the ’60s to please her then-husband, French director Roger Vadim, although she apparently found them to be emotionally straining. “I still felt that it was my relationship with him, however painful, that validated me.”

Huh. A woman doing something she dislikes at the urging of a man? Weird!

10. Martha Stewart?!

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Wait. What?

In an interview with Andy Cohen on Watch What Happens LiveMartha was asked whether or not she’d ever engaged in a threesome. Instead of answering with a resound “NO!,” as many of us hope our more maternal figures would say, Martha simply winked and said “Maybe.”

World = shattered.

11. 2 Chainz

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2 Chainz bragged about having a threesome when he was in the seventh grade, and the only reason I’m including it on this list is because I can’t believe anyone would ever brag about having a threesome in seventh grade.

12. Russell Brand

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Brand claimed to have had a threesome shortly before going out on his first date with former wife Katy Perry. Because he needed to get it out of his system before he had a normal date, I suppose?

13. Gerard Butler

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Gerard Butler was once caught banging someone in a port-a-potty, so it only makes sense that he’s participated in a ménage à trois on occasion. Which would all be well and good, if he hadn’t spoken about himself in the third person when he admitted to it. When asked if he’d had a three-way in the past year, the actor grinned and said “The Butler pretty much always does it.”

Ew.

Related-ish: 15 People Who Had Their Sexual Fantasies Fulfilled Spill The Steamy Details

 

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