If you got a nickel every time someone told you kids were going to ruin your sex life, you’d be in the Caymans right now, sipping Pinot Grigio, and FaceTiming with the $500-an-hour nanny who’s back home with your kids. Instead, you’re stuck at home microwaving chicken nuggets (they’re organic, OK?), and praying the kids will pass out right after lunch so you can get in a Saturday afternoon quickie.
Because here’s the actual truth about mom sex. It really happens, and it’s hot AF. Maybe even hotter than it was pre-kid. Here, six truths about what it’s really like to have sex when there are small people in the house. I promise it’ll make you feel a little better about the future of your vagina.
1. You’ll do it abso-fucking-lutely anywhere.
Remember when you waited to get all comfy on your mattress with the perfect music and the candles before you’d get it on? Ain’t nobody got time for setting the mood! Not when the toddler’s perched on the plastic potty in the living room doing a deuce to the tune of Peppa Pig. If you’re lucky, you’ve got approximately three minutes before they’re yelling “Mommy, wipey!” The kitchen floor. The basement stairs. The top of the dryer. Any place will do.
2. You’ve got more love for your ladybits.
Some young women are so afraid of even saying the word vagina that they won’t even go see a doctor about gynecological issues. But once you’ve bared it all for a room full of nurses, doctors, and who knows who else on the maternity floor, the fear of what people think of what’s downstairs tends to go bye-bye pretty friggin’ fast. Vaginal birth? C-section? This body’s birthed a human. You can say vagina—and tell him how to make it feel good too.
3. Not being able to moan out loud can be so hot.
Maybe you used to moan so loud that you legit worried about roommates and/or neighbors hearing you. Not anymore. When you’re worried that even one little “oh God” is going to turn a sleeping baby into a screaming baby, you learn to direct your moans right into his ear. It’s pretty hot, and yes, he is oh, so, turned, on. Actually, so are you.
4. Sex is always a ~*surprise~*!
When the toddler takes a rando nap at 3 p.m. on a Saturday. When the baby stops wailing at 10 p.m. after a week of colic-fueled tantrums. When the 7-year-old gets invited to a last minute sleepover. Sex pre-kids could happen any time, which—I won’t lie—was pretty much the best. But the surprise moments when you’re blissfully kid-free are fewer and far between. If you’re not down to bang, you’ll get there fast.
5. You and your partner have a lot more sexy secrets.
You lock the door at 2 p.m. on a Saturday afternoon while the kids are staring at Paw Patrol, only to be interrupted by a pounding on the door. “Why Mommy bed sound so bouncy?” they ask later. You look over them at your partner, he looks back at you with a smirk, and you just know you’re both counting down ’til nap time tomorrow.
6. You plan ahead to get some…so that you actually do.
As much as you love those “quick, the kid’s napping, strip now!” moments, you know you can’t count on them. Which is probably why half of couples sync their calendars and schedule sex these days. If nothing sounds less sexy than the word “schedule,” I hear you loud and clear. But when you get right down to it, planning out when you’re going to have sex means you’re going out of your way to make sure you get it on. And what’s sexier than making time to make the person you love feel good? Not a damn thing.
Related-ish: 10 Struggles of Being a Woman With a High Sex Drive