From phallic shrubbery, to banana-shaped emoji, to scribbles on the bathroom wall — one of the most beautiful truths of this Earth is that, if you’re willing to open your heart and take a good hard look around, you’ll be able to find penises in even the most unexpected places.
Following a serious assault in Shirehampton, England, the Avon & Somerset Police Force sent out an appeal to all possible witnesses who might have been in the area on the evening of the assault. They even sent out a helpful map, for those who consider themselves to be “visual learners.”
Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), the indicated area of the map strongly resembled a giant, red dick.
If you were anywhere inside the balls, shaft, or tip on the night of September 2, please notify police immediately!
Naturally, it didn’t take long for a few helpful observers to point out the uncannily-phallic shape (and it’s strangely appropriate color), suggesting that a Giant Red Penis had been terrorizing the British district.
The Avon & Somerset Police took the whole thing in stride and responded in the most British way possible.
Which is very considerate of the police, really. If your penis is red, you probably should make a doctor’s appointment, post haste.
Sadly, the penis map was soon replaced with a more “family friendly” version — although, really, how innocent can a map targeting a violent assaulter actually be?
If you look closely, you may find that the map gives the illusion of a giant pair of testicles hanging off the Bristol Channel, though.
Don’t tell me you don’t see it.
Sorry, Avon & Somerset Police. Looks like you can never escape the genitals, no matter how hard you try. But best of luck with catching that assailant!
Related-ish: The 5 Things The Perfect Dick Pic Must Have