We all grew up on Disney movies. My little sister once watched “The Little Mermaid” five times in a row (a record she’s still very proud of). But Disney movies, while magical, have also imparted a lot of a falsehoods about life, love and even animals.
Let’s break them down:
1. Any man who is super handsome with a great voice will be into you, instead of being gay.
Ladies, if he sings like an angel and there’s not a hair out of place on his head…. guess what? He’s not gonna like you back. Try his younger brother who’s into MMA.
2. You can trust strange old women to look after you (unless it’s your stepmother).
All older women have your best interests at heart. That kindly old grandmother just wants to wave her magic wand and give you a new dress. Unless she’s your stepmother, in which case, she wants to murder you.
3. You and your boyfriend will solve every disagreement with a song, instead of fighting until 3 a.m.
Did you find him looking at thots on Instagram again? Don’t worry, the two of you can work it out with a song and dance routine! You definitely won’t be arguing until it’s time to go to work in the morning.
4. Handsome princes are always single and looking for broke girls with great personalities.
If Disney taught us nothing else, it’s that rich guys can’t get a date to save their LIVES. What they really want is someone with a great sense of humor who moonlights as a scullery maid.
5. Whoever laughs the most is always the villain.
You might think “laughing all the time is a good thing.” — You’d be horrible wrong. That just means that you’re overjoyed that your kidnapping/murder plot is going well. Apparently only evil people are happy!
6. You will marry the first member of the opposite sex you meet.
That rando in the forest who you think is cute? Guess what: that’s your future husband! Start naming your kids now!
7. Your hair will always be perfect — if it isn’t, just run a hand through it.
This is pretty self-explanatory. Even if you’re scrubbing floors all day for your stepmother, your hair won’t budge an inch. And your makeup will look great — good thing you do household chores in lipstick.
8. Wild animals never bite and they never have diseases, they just want to help you (or crack jokes).
Small birds love singing for you. Squirrels want to make you smile. That sassy dog just wants to be your best friend. Animals are basically your own private fanclub — try to pet as many strange ones as you can!
9. You must sing a song describing what you want, or it will never happen.
This is a hard-and-fast Disney rule. If you want to leave your castle, meet a great guy or grow legs, you MUST SING ABOUT THIS. How else will the universe know what you want? Remember: singing, not hard work, is the key to getting your wishes granted.
And most important:
10. You’ll always end up marrying the right person instead of some dude you met in college.
That’s right: every ending is a happy one. There’s no such thing as “settling,” you will always end up with your exact perfect match. You two will be perfectly compatible and live happily ever after in his castle, where you will raise your gifted children. No way will he leave you for your best friend or a stripper!