If Gilmore Girls taught us anything, it’s that being a nerdy girl is pretty damn cool. Rory Gilmore read her way through 339 books in the show’s seven seasons (oh thank you, internets, for providing us with a whole list) and managed to snag acceptances at three Ivy League schools. Meanwhile, we were all scribbling RG + JM = 4Eva on our notebooks because … Jess.
So, in honor of Stars Hollow’s favorite aspiring journalist with a library that we want to steal, we wondered: If Rory could sort the cast of Gilmore Girls into Hogwarts houses, where would they go? After all, RG’s book list includes not one but two Harry Potter novels. If the show had been shot just a few years later, we’re pretty sure she’d have reported back from Pottermore on everyone. So, we did it for her.
Related-ish: Can You Finish These ‘Gilmore Girls’ Lines?
Paris Geller: The girl (woman?) who once said “nothing less than perfect will be tolerated” could probably manage Parsletongue if it came to it. She’s fierce, fiesty, and absolutely not willing to fail. Bring on the Bloody Baron. She can take him.
Emily Gilmore: Ambitious? Check. Cunning? Check? Unable to fathom her granddaughter slumming at Harvard? Check.
Taylor Doose: No, he doesn’t want to take over the world. Just Stars Hollow. And if he needs to use a killing curse to get rid of that damned troubadour, well, it’s for the good of the town, right?
Rory Gilmore: Surely she begged the Sorting Hat to put her in Gryffindor, but our noble heroine’s heart is better situated among the land of the brains. Ravenclaws are “those of wit and learning,” according to J.K. Rowling. Sound like a certain Ivy League-bound bookworm we know?
Richard Gilmore: Like his granddaughter, Richard is caught up in his books, and he’d rather leave the heavy lifting to his wife.
Jess Mariano: Luke’s nephew may not be hard-working and noble-hearted enough for goody two shoes Gryffindor, but don’t let him fool you. He’s the kind of smarty pants who actually gets all of Rory’s off-beat literary references. If you need him, you’ll find him in the library with a copy of On the Road.
Sookie St. James: If Helga Hufflepuff could have added an “h” to plucky, she would have claimed it…along with the happy, helpful, and slightly hair-brained co-owner of the Dragonfly.
Christopher Hayden: Rory and her dad may have earlobes that look strikingly similar, but TBH, the apple fell pretty far from this tree. Headed for something big, Chris is not. But as a dad who pops in and out of his daughter’s life, he’s not so bad. He’s just more big brother than big papa.
Luke Danes: If people would just leave him alone to scramble eggs and brew coffee, he’d be perfectly content in his diner. At least until Lorelai has to come and fire things up…
Logan Huntzberger: What, you expected Slytherin? Save that for Papa Mitch. Just because he’s old money doesn’t mean Logan’s heart isn’t pure. Like the boy who lived, he’s always getting into scrapes, and finding his way out to the other side. Give him a chance, and he might just surprise you.
Lane Kim: If fire is the element of Gryffindor, let’s face it: Raising twins you conceived the very first time you had sex requires fire in your veins.
Lorelai Gilmore: Bravery is raising your own child on your own at age 16—and doing a damn fine job of it too.