The best part of any hookup session is all the stuff that comes before the actual sex. Forget conversation over drinks, because foreplay is where you really get to know a person. During this time, men are their most vulnerable selves, thinking only with the head that resides below their belly button. They’ll say—and do—anything to get their dick wet.
Going down on a woman is no exception. Let’s give credit where credit is due: While plenty of guys will do everything they can to avoid oral sex, there are those unicorns who absolutely love it—or at least love to do whatever they need to do to get us off. Like watching Narcos 2 on Netflix, there are men who will binge on vagina nonstop and on demand. YAAAS.
So yea, back to being vulnerable. You say and do the dumbest shit when you’re naked. It’s just one of those rules of life. Here, women share the most ridiculous things a man has said just before going down on them.
“I had been dating this guy for about three weeks, so I felt comfortable inviting him back to my place after we went out. Over dinner, we talked about people who have their own native tongue they speak in the home and then a second language (usually English) that they speak outside of the home. Basically, I spoke two languages, and he did not. Cut to: my bedroom. ‘I’m going to make you think I was born with two tongues.’ I had no words.”
“Quite honestly, I don’t even know how you get to the point in your sexual relationship to have someone say the following: ‘Don’t worry, I earned my red wings when I was in the eleventh grade.’ I knew Barry for over two years, and we’ve been on-again-off-again lovers. On when we were single, off when one of us was dating. I guess we’d never found ourselves in a situation where I had my period while hooking up before, but here we were. The thing is, I think he was actually turned on at the thought of getting it on while I was on my period!”
“I work in events for a big alcohol brand. At a recent flavor launch party, I met a really cute guy who was the friend of one of our media guests. I didn’t really pay him much attention until I was off-duty, and the party was over. We had some really great conversation, and he was hot as hell. I didn’t really think we’d be a long-term match though, so that’s when I made the decision to go back to his place. (Note: When I do think there’s potential, I’m not really this eager to hook up so soon.) So, we know it’s all about sex as soon as we get there, and it got really hot and heavy fast. He was just about to go down on me and said, ‘You’ll be returning the favor if I do this, right?’ Fucking killed it right there. Like, of course I would have given you a blowie after. But instead, you made my clit go limp and my nipples invert. Buh-bye. I really got up and left!”
“I brought this guy back to my apartment. When his hand traveled down to finger me, he felt that I had my clit pierced. Immediately, he stopped what he was doing and said, ‘Oh yea, this is gonna be good,’ and went straight to town going down. Yeah, it was weird, but holy shit, did he do a good job! I still shake when I think about it. Good thing I’m still dating him.”
“I’m older now, but this happened when I was 24. My friend’s boyfriend brought a bunch of his friends out with us one night. We all got pretty drunk and came back to my apartment to play Guitar Hero. (Like I said, this was 10 years ago.) I ended up hooking up with this one guy, and it was just a horrific experience. He actually farted when I went to the bathroom—like, I heard him through the door. Anyway, just as he was about to go down on me he said, ‘I cannot wait to please my lady.’ UM, ‘my lady’?? We just met, dude.”
“Sometimes, a man is just obsessed with vagina. There’s really nothing more, nothing less. I had been seeing this guy Ben for three months. I’m a little particular in that I always want to be clean and showered before I get down to business. Every. Single. Time he went down on me, he would sniff down there and say, ‘There’s nothing better than that smell.’ Hey, I was flattered.”
“I met this guy through a mutual friend. Apparently, he had been stalking my Facebook and really wanted to take me out. I let my friend make the introduction, and we ended up going out for late night drinks on a Friday night. One drink led to another and then to another. I was pretty sauced and horny when I invited him back to my place. He told me that he’s been in love with all my pictures and couldn’t stop thinking about me for months. He was so happy that I agreed to go out with him. Sure, kind of creepy, but also kind of flattering. His proudest moment was right before he went down on me: ‘Brazilian. I knew it!’ Apparently he had me pegged for that ‘type.’ He was pleased with his prediction, and I was pleased with his performance. Win-win.”
“You know how they say breakup sex is the best kind of sex? Or is that makeup sex? Either way, it sucked. I was breaking up with my boyfriend of three years, because I wasn’t really feeling the spark anymore—both intellectually and sexually. My feelings were validated when he said, ‘Let’s get this over with,” right before going down on me for the last time. What a douche!”
“Maybe someone would be mortified in this situation, but I could not stop laughing. My husband and I went out to a wedding and partied pretty hard. Beforehand, we decided to get a hotel room so that we wouldn’t have to drive and/or deal with our two children. FINALLY, some sex! When it came time to get down to it, he didn’t say anything … because he fell asleep between my legs!! It’s been two years now, and I still don’t let him live that down.”
“I was dating a swimmer. Legit, someone training for the Olympics. He also found himself a comedian. ‘I’m about to drown myself in you,’ he said before chuckling and getting after it. I laughed for sure, but c’mon. Shut up and eat me out, you know?”