I'm glad you unfollowed me because your girlfriend made you. Your relationship seems fun and healthy.
— Ally Maynard (@missmayn) September 12, 2016
The most screenshots I've ever gotten on Snapchat was 134 of Cinnamon bun flavored Oreos at Walmart.
— Stevie Ryan (@StevieRyan) September 12, 2016
i like my backhanded compliments like i like my coffee: thrown back in the person's face
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) September 12, 2016
Living in a city where you can buy alcohol at the grocery store has increased my "bottle of wine with dinner" frequency by about 2854%.
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) September 12, 2016
Life is basically a choose your own adventure novel where every possible outcome is you die.
— Pony Starwars (@tigersgoroooar) September 12, 2016
CHILD: Mommy you look evil when you laugh
MOMMY: I do?
— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) September 12, 2016
Hillary Clinton could shrug & say, "Fucking Spanx, man." and lock down 100% of the women's vote.
— Caissie St.Onge (@Caissie) September 11, 2016
I applied mascara while a puppy was jumping all over me and I didn't even poke my eye out. I can do anything today.
— • mo • (@MonSwanson) September 12, 2016
Dermatologist update: turns out I'm absolutely covered in skin 😫
— maeve higgins (@maevehiggins) September 12, 2016
If you still call women "chicks", you better go down on them like they're fried, motherfucker.
— Janine Brito (@janinebrito) September 12, 2016
I have a vicious bitch side to me that no one knows about except my close friends, family, anyone who's dated me, coworkers & bodega guy
— may wilkerson (@shutupmay) September 12, 2016
Please take off your flower wreath crown. This isn't a Snapchat filter it's a Starbucks
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) September 12, 2016
The only message I've ever found in a bottle was "text him!!!!"
— Lyndsay Rush (@rushbomb) September 12, 2016
Someone accidentally called my mom's number for "tech support." I'm still laughing imagining that.
— Amy Vansant (@AmyVansant) September 13, 2016
Coworker: There just aren't enough hours in the day.
Me: Yes there fucking are take it back.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) September 14, 2016
asked the lady for a chocolate donut with chocolate glaze and she said "that's two chocolates" and I said "yes"
— aubrey (@aubreybell) September 14, 2016
They call it duck-face because every time I see someone doing it I want to push them in a lake.
— Missy Baker (@TheMissyBaker) September 14, 2016
Every time I have a break up I wonder how I'm gonna live through 2 divorces.
— Megan Gailey (@megangailey) September 14, 2016
everyone who Instagrams nice photos in cool locations should also have to Instagram their job so that I know that they also have one thx
— LW (@lindseyweber) September 14, 2016
"don't speak" is my favourite no doubt song about mansplaining
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) September 15, 2016
I'd take Chance The Rapper much more serious if he wasn't constantly wearing overalls.
— Marcella Arguello (@marcellacomedy) September 15, 2016
I biked past Hugh Jackman at the top of the Manhattan Bridge and he was breathing way heavier than I was. Who's the superhero now, bitch?
— Mary Cella (@mary_cella) September 15, 2016
I spend 1/100th the amount of time getting ready to see a man as I do getting ready to see a group of women.
— maura quint (@behindyourback) September 16, 2016
Aaaaaand one token dude
"I fly a LOT for work" –a bird
— Matt Nedostup (@nedostup) September 15, 2016