Heroic 5th Grade Girl Gives Boy A Hilarious List Of Rules To Leave Her TF Alone

 

Boys are terrible, and there is significant (biased) research to suggest that this has always been the case. From the moment we enter preschool with them, us ladies are rarely afforded a moment’s peace. They’re always pestering us, and pulling our hair, and teasing us about what we like or how we look.

Which is how we, as young girls, to lay down the fuckin’ law.

Twitter user Denny Dimples recently shared a photo of a list her schoolteacher friend discovered in her classroom: a series of edicts issued against a male classmate, asking him to please stop being such an obnoxious prepubescent boy.

Basically, the most hilarious and heroic thing I’ve witnessed all week:


Related-ish: This 5th Grader’s Love Note To His Girlfriend Is Going Viral Because Romance Isn’t Completely Dead


 

The list of “Rules & Regulations” was apparently intended for a student named Noah, courtesy of a 5th-grader named Zoë.

And, if I may be totally honest: these rules are fucking HARSH.

slack imgs 1 Heroic 5th Grade Girl Gives Boy A Hilarious List Of Rules To Leave Her TF Alone

This is truly royal behavior, and I must give Zoë serious snaps for her directness and assertiveness in such an annoying predicament.

Let’s see if we can break down Zoë’s list of restrictions, to understand the situation a bit more clearly :

1. Do touch my shoulder

You know what? It’s a simple request, and I appreciate its directness. There is no way to misinterpret this particular stipulation.

2. Do not get behind me with all that playing and foolishness (Don’t get behind me at all)

Zoë simply does not have the time or energy to deal with your childish antics right now, Noah. She needs a boy who can keep his shit together, okay? She needs a boy who can get behind her and NOT be foolish. (Don’t we all??)

3. Do not speak to me unless it’s a greeting, which will be never

Fuck. This is a cold, hard dose of truth, but it clearly needed to be said. Zoë does not want to speak to you Noah, but she will deign to say “Hello” as you pass one another in the hallways. You are advised to nod politely in return.

4. Stop playing with me on the bus

Dude, it’s over. Stop trying to make it happen. The bus flirtation is NOT gonna happen.

5. I have a short temper with people and you ruin my day because you play 2 much

Okay, Zoë, this is more of a feeling than a rule or regulation, but I appreciate the honesty and the emotional sensitivity. This is coming from a real place of truth. You’re baring your soul to Noah here, and asking him to cut you some slack.

6. Reread 500 times.

A difficult rule to enforce, Zoë, but the tone definitely commands respect.

7. You like me (as a GF) but I don’t like you (as a BF) I’m 2 yong young!

The “I’m 2 young” excuse is a good way to let him down easy, Zoë. And, in a way, you’re right: you have so much going on in your life right now, you really can’t afford to tie yourself down with a boyfriend. You’ve got spelling tests, recess, impending puberty … it’s a lot for one 10-year-old to deal with.

If you break any of these rules I’m calling my dad, my mom’s friend, my fake mom, and a janator i know! Don’t mind spelling

Damn, Zoë! Are you in cahoots with some janitor who intimidates children for money? Are you friends with a hitman who’s posing as a school custodian? Is that actually the plot of a movie starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson or Jackie Chan?? I don’t remember, but all of these things need to be true!

(Note to self: find out what a “Fake Mom” is.)

If you ruin my day I’m going to have to go to counseling!!!!

Noah, your actions have consequences, and you are loading Zoë down with therapy bills that she just can’t afford right now.

Stop playing with me!!!!!!

DUDE, WHAT PART OF ‘GET YOUR COOTIE-RIDDEN ASS AWAY’ DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND??

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with such a menace, Zoë, but at least it’s preparing you for facing the eventual reality of dating. Guys can rarely take a hint, regardless of age.

Related-ish: This 8th Grader’s Dating Contract Is Mostly Not Insane

 

Share Tweet E-email