Before books were invented by JK Rowling in 2001, people used to just read the ingredients on shampoo bottles on the train.
— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) September 1, 2013
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) June 16, 2015
*walks into library*
"Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?"
— ♡ brian essbe ♡ (@SortaBad) April 3, 2014
"son what is th-"
*slams drawer shut*
*gives son a wedgie*
you frickin nerd. im gonna do your mom
— eric curtin (@dubstep4dads) June 12, 2013
hey Dickens, were the times good or were they bad, you flip-flopping piece of garbage good-or-bad-times waffling ass motherfucker
— TORMBLABLY PIACKEELS (@Tormny_Pickeals) September 22, 2015
The pop-up book about a rat that I wrote is just a rat I put inside a hollowed out copy of Judy Blume's Wifey.
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) January 22, 2016
Please stop calling us your "squad" Linda this is book club
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) June 23, 2015
*takes iPad from 6yo*
You've had your hour of screen time today buddy. Read a book.
*kid gets dictionary*
"Dad, how do you spell hypocrite?"
— Growly Grego (@GrowlyGrego) October 9, 2015
I'm old enough now that I can't distinguish between the books I read in college and have forgotten, and the ones I just pretended to read.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) August 19, 2016
Hi I'm Mark Twain here to talk to you about books. Y'ever want to picture a bunch of crap happening with your brain? Try a book on for size.
— vineyille (@vineyille) June 6, 2015
So the name of the movie is Jungle Book??? Hell, what's the name of the book? Jungle Movie? Jordyn come home I have a writing job now
— Dan Polish Last Name (@danjan13) March 31, 2016
If you die and spend all eternity in Hell, at least you will have almost enough time to finish a Stephen King book.
— Insignificant Other (@ElleOhHell) June 4, 2016
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic has his fav book made into a movie & the characters are nothing like he imagined them
— lindsey (@Lindzeta) May 7, 2014
If you want to be in this book club you have to let us violently club you with books. Haha just joshin' ya, you have to eat War and Peace.
— chuuch (@ch000ch) July 29, 2013
'your profile said you like books'
'who are your favorite authors?'
um *looks at writing on hand* willa catheter and charles dickhead
— local badboy, (@hippieswordfish) February 25, 2015
25 Books You Should Read Before the Sun Explodes and Melts Your Skin Off and You Perish, Useless and Screaming, Realizing It Was All In Vain
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) January 24, 2016
"If there was a problem, yo words solved it, check out some books while they pack you with knowledge" -Vanilla Nice, helpful librarian.
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) December 12, 2012
Shrek getting a fine from the library because his books are ogredue
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) September 3, 2013
*walks out of a movie*
"The book was better."
*walks out of a funeral*
"The book was better."
*Walks into traffic*
"The book was be
— Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) September 27, 2015
I don't get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* "your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps"
— brent (@murrman5) July 23, 2015
Of all the unread books on my shelf, I'm most proud of the ones my friends wrote.
— Myka Fox (@MykaFox) October 1, 2012
"Hey did you guys see the new Geico commercial? It's so good."
"Yeah it was ok, it was different in the books though"
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) March 24, 2015
How dare you. I read books. Picture books. Moving picture books. On a screen. Ok I watch movies. At least my penis works. Ok my penis doesn'
— Growly Grego (@GrowlyGrego) October 31, 2014
Book pitch: After my mom died & marriage failed, I didn’t go on an exotic trip or long ass hike I just had to continue my life & get thru it
— Sara Schaefer (@saraschaefer1) February 25, 2015
Starting a cover band called "A Book" so no one can judge us.
— Terry F (@daemonic3) June 21, 2014
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) January 27, 2015
ALL ENGLISH BOOKS
"We can't have them over for dinner."
"Why ever not?"
"The last time they visited, we still had money."
Then, the War came
— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) May 25, 2014
Do your children a favor and draw buttholes on all the animals in their kids' books. It's better they find out from you.
— chuuch (@ch000ch) July 27, 2013
[looking at a book] what is this piece of crap. how do I work this. there's not even any gifs in here
— eric curtin (@dubstep4dads) October 26, 2015
my favorite book of the wrestling bible is slamentations
— local badboy, (@hippieswordfish) December 18, 2015
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What's their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) July 25, 2015
"Excuse me miss may I-"
*a book titled How to Cope With Being Rich With a Nice Penis falls out of briefcase*
"oh I'm sorry how embarrassing"
— ♡ brian essbe ♡ (@SortaBad) September 8, 2015
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
"Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) June 1, 2014
If you don't touch your face in your author photo, readers might assume you don't have hands. "How did (s)he even write this?" they'll say.
— Mike Ingram (@mikeingram00) October 7, 2014
Thugs call guns "gats" after The Great Gatsby because books are knowledge and knowledge is power
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) May 20, 2013
Was just informed my apartment is also something called a "lie barry" (ly-brer-EE?), and those ARE NOT my books people have been stealing.
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) September 16, 2014
"In MY day, books didn't NEED batteries."
Yeah, but they weren't backlit, were they? The fuggoutta here old man.
— Insignificant Other (@ElleOhHell) April 8, 2015
me: where are the Where's Waldo books?
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) December 29, 2015
mark, my words. *mark brings me a dictionary* thanks mark
— philippe iujvidin (@philyuck) August 1, 2013