9 Thoughts That Go Through Every Pregnant Woman’s Mind During Sex

When you think of steamy sexcapades, getting it on with a baby bump isn’t the first thing that comes to mind. But, believe it or not, sex is something you’ll likely crave even more once you get pregnant. You just can’t help it. You’ve got bangin’ new curves and the kind of surging hormones your body hasn’t seen since you hit puberty. Still, 24/7 horniness doesn’t eliminate the fact that the logistics of pregnancy sex are kind of, um, complicated. Certain positions are off-limits, and you’re a lot more tired than you used to be. Here, 9 thoughts that go through every woman’s mind when she’s trying to get it on with a bun in the oven.

1. “Is it weird if I keep my bra on?”

My pregnancy boobs are fabulous—they’re basically the Beyoncé(s) of breasts—but more rack also equals more problems. It hurts when they jiggle around too much, and I kinda fear one accidentally flying up and giving me a black eye. I also started randomly lactating in the shower the other day and, I’m no sexpert, but I feel like turning into a human milk sprinkler right now might make things awkward AF?

2. “How bad does my double chin look from down there?”

This feels so good, but I can’t stop wondering what I look like from this angle. Do I have Kardashian contouring or does it look like I accidentally turned on my iPhone’s forward-facing camera while looking down at my feet? The baby books all said I’d gain 20-30 pounds, but they forgot to mention the part where it’d mostly be in my face.

3. “Wow, I have more stamina than I thought.”

I figured I’d going to keel over from the exertion by now, but it’s been 4 entire minutes, and look at me go. I’m basically a sexual marathoner. I probably have more energy because of that pregnancy bootcamp class I took at the gym. I know I only went, like, twice, and that was last trimester but, based on my performance right now, I really feel like I’m about that #FitPregnancy life.

pregnant sex thoughts stamina 9 Thoughts That Go Through Every Pregnant Womans Mind During Sex
The Berry/Cole Mitchell

4. “Oh, ew, I just felt the baby kick.”

Really, kid? You have to do that right now? I already spent like 25 minutes convincing your other parent that babies in the womb can’t tell when you’re having sex, and then another 25 minutes trying to convince myself of the same thing. You’re not supposed to witness this. Please just settle down, and go the fuck to sleep.

pregnant sex thoughts baby kick 9 Thoughts That Go Through Every Pregnant Womans Mind During Sex
The Berry/Cole Mitchell

5. “Look at these curves. I am basically a goddess.”

My whole body is curvaceous and soft and glowing. I feel like a naked lady from a Renaissance painting. Paint me like one of your French girls, Jack! I wish I had the necklace Kate Winslet was wearing in that scene. Note to self: Ask for the Heart of the Ocean as a push present.

6. “We should try a crazy pregnancy Kama Sutra position.”

Don’t get me wrong: I love getting oral and being on top, but this is getting boring as hell. Maybe we could stand up, or try for some sexual spooning. I could try a handstand, but then I’d probably collapse from my humiliating lack of arm muscles. I never thought I’d be interested in buying one of those weird sex swings that hangs from the ceiling, but now it kind of seems like they should come standard in every master bedroom.

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The Berry/Cole Mitchell

7.”Ow, my leg. Cramp! Ow. OW.”

OH GOD, MY CALF IS IN KNOTS! MOVE! GET UP! LET ME STAND! LET ME LIVE!

8. “Let’s just hurry up, and come already, damn it.”

You know what? Screw my adventurous spirit. Ain’t nobody got time for it anyway. I know what positions work for me, and I don’t care if it’s boring and routine to just do it Doggy Style every time. I want my orgasm, and I want it now goddammit.

9. “YES. YES. YES. YEEEESSSSS!”

Holy shit! I didn’t know it was even possible for orgasms to feel like that. I guess it’s true what they say about pregnancy making everything more sensitive. We totally just hit the G-spot, plus some other random pleasure points that science hasn’t even discovered yet. I want more! But also I need a nap.

Related-ish: 8 Sex Myths Men Believe Because Of Porn

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