Friendships are hard — especially in our 20s and 30s. Life doesn’t revolve around school anymore. It’s about jobs and real relationships and even marriages. There’s less and less keeping us tied to our friends by proximity, so we actually have to *work* at our friendships, and that means navigating personalities, values, ideas and lifestyles.
Here, 7 women admit what they wish they could tell their BFFs if they weren’t worried about losing their friendships.
She makes the WORST decisions. Like, come on.
“They make stupid decisions about relationships, or occasionally act weak or desperate. I do tell them but say it in a nicer way. I feel bad for feeling that way, but also think it’s true?” — Sarah
She lies about her identity.
“The worst thing I’ve ever thought about my now ex-BFF is that she tried on and adopted identities that often weren’t her own to feel included in a community. It’s part of the reason I no longer speak to her. I understand her reasoning (insecurity, feeling lost and maybe aimless), but I found it offensive, particularly when those identities overlapped with ones I considered authentically my own. Among her costumes: Hispanic (she did not come from a Spanish speaking household), Central American, queer, poor. I know you can’t police what someone “really” is, especially when it comes to sexuality, but she is and was so blatantly none of these things and took up a lot of space in communities designed to support folks who were marginalized. But what am I going to do? She had some deep emotional problems that she needed to seek help for desperately, that unfortunately manifested in hurting other people. I feel like she took advantage of me, of others, but most of all exploited resources that weren’t created for her. The annoying part is I don’t think this is a unique problem.” — Dina
She’s ugly as hell.
“The first time I met one of my BFs I remember thinking she was the ugliest person I’d ever seen. I would never say that out loud! Yes I feel awful for thinking it!!! I don’t think it anymore but I remember having the thought.” — Tria
I hate her boyfriend.
“I often think about how much I hate my best friend’s boyfriend. To be honest, he doesn’t treat her well and he’s also generally sexist and a jerk. I’ve told her a few times that I don’t think he’s right for her, but I try not to impose things on my friends unless I see something that is actually abusive. I want my friend to feel like she can come to me with everything, including things about her boyfriend, so I haven’t made it into a really big deal. If she knew how much I hate him, and dread seeing him when she brings him, or how often I talk about not liking him to my other (non-mutual) friends, there’s no doubt she’d be hurt or offended, but I just can’t help it! He’s crap, but she doesn’t see it.” — Valentina
She complains SO much.
“I have gotten annoyed at times with my friend complaining about the same issue for 20 years, but never sticking with a plan to overcome it. I feel bad for being judgmental. I try to bite my tongue, but on occasion, I have let things slip about this that I shouldn’t say out loud. It is her issue, not mine. I need to try harder to remember it is not my job to “fix” her problems or her life and just be her friend no matter where she’s at.” — Shannon
She’s a bad mom.
“She smokes in the car with her kids in it. Not okay.” — Tia
She’s got white privilege.
“I’ve thought that my BFF is the epitome of white privilege. A spoiled brat who has anything and everything handed to her. I come from a similar background, but my parents don’t give me everything I want and need. I’ve had to work shit jobs, and struggled to get where I am now — and I’m still not close to my career goals. She makes $100,000 a year at a job she got through a family friend right out of college, and still asks her parents for money to go on lavish vacations all the time. It especially bugs me that now, totally out of the blue, she decided she wants to be a writer like me and can reach success far beyond my goals in just months. I don’t feel bad about saying or thinking of this, because it’s true. I’ll never share this stuff out loud with her, but I don’t think it would ruin the friendship.” — Tiffany
Her boyfriend is an issue.
“Her boyfriend checks me out all the time, and I wish I could tell her.” — Caroline
She’s superficial as all hell.
“She’s obsessed with fashion — and constantly putting celebrities on pedestals…so it’s like, NO I DO NOT CARE ABOUT WHAT GIGI WORE. She’s so superficial. I’m so tired of listening to it all.” — Mina