The deflating news of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s high-profile divorce smacks of an all-too-familiar taste: that of resignation and defeat, as the public is yet again forced to reckon with the notion that inter-celebrity marriage is a dying industry.
Media heavyweights pairing up with their own ilk is the modern equivalent of a gun in the First Act — we don’t know when we’ll get there, but we definitely know how this story ends.
Look, guys, the “Brangelina” divorce has added a new layer to our cynical veneers, and there’s no point in denying it. Yes, these two slender (like, really, truly small and tiny) and beautiful humans engaged in a passionate and illicit romance which caused many cultural divisions (Team Jen, anyone?), but after a few years of stability, we really began to believe that perhaps this union was the Happily Ever After that had eluded both Brad and Angelina for so long.
In light of the recent divorce filing, it’s inevitable to drop to one’s knees and ask the heavens “WHY?!”
According to the voracious press and their “sources,” here are some of the possible justifications for the eminent split:
Sources from both camps are assuring media outlets that the divorce has nothing to do with any third-party finagling (I’m SO sure). Rather, those close to the couple cite Pitt’s parenting methods as the impetus for the couple’s break-up. Apparently, Pitt has anger issues which Jolie believed were harmful to their (SIX) children.
Jolie reportedly hired a private investigator to trail Pitt on the set of Allied and discern whether or not the actor was having an affair with his costar, Marion Cotillard.
According to the rumor mill: he was.
“The resentment has been eating away at Angelina,” a source told In Touch. “She’s prone to think that since she was once Brad’s co-star and seduced him away from his wife, the same will happen to her.”
Even if these accusations are true, however, a source has told Berry that the couple apparently has a semi-open marriage — so it seems unlikely that sleeping with someone else would be grounds for a split.
Substance Abuse & Russian Hookers
Angelina is reportedly unhappy with Brad’s frequent consumption of alcohol and weed, and this view apparently caused some tension between the couple.
Apparently the atmosphere on- and off-set of Pitt’s upcoming film, Allied, had a heavy emphasis on partying. “The atmosphere [off-set] was full of hard drugs and Russian hookers, and Angie was told Brad got caught up in it,” a source told The Post. “He’s in the throes of some insane midlife crisis, and Angie is fed up.”
They’ve “Grown Apart”
There’s also the most standard (and plausible) justification for the split: it’s just not working.
“They have gradually grown apart and have realized they value and prioritize different things, [and] these issues have got in the way of their marriage,” an insider reported to E! News. “Angelina is very dedicated to her work with the UN and working on other charitable endeavors while Brad is consumed with his film projects. Both of their interests have taken them across the world—not together but in different directions. They haven’t been able to compromise on much of anything lately.”
Somehow, somewhere, Gwyneth Paltrow is totally stoked that she just became relevant again.
After Paltrow gave an interview with Vanity Fair which discussed the actress’ regrets about her relationship with Brad, the possibility of a reconciliation between the two has been floating around in the tabloid ether. “I was 22 when we met… I wasn’t ready, and he was too good for me… I didn’t know what I was doing,” Paltrow stated in the interview.
Some of the more um, “creative” outlets, such as the National Enquirer, even stated that Brad said Gwyneth’s name in his sleep, sending Angelina into a fit of jealousy (Jesus, this sounds like a soap opera).
Naturally, this particular rumor is patently untrue — but isn’t it at least fun to consider that maybe, after all these years, Gwyn and Brad will get back together and get matching haircuts again?
If that thought doesn’t put a self-loathing smile on your face, nothing will.
And, at the very least, we can all take comfort in the fact that former notorious playboy George Clooney is now settled down and married, so the entire world is topsy-turvy and nothing makes sense anyway.