I’ve been dating a English guy for four years. That’s four visits to England, a shit-ton of Scotch eggs, an obsession with Princess Di or Jack the Ripper (depends on the day), a fair amount of hearing about how dumb Americans are and a lot of insight into the culture. Because I’m an American girl, the idea of the Dapper British Gentlemen has been drilled into my mind for some time. Instead of seeing them as — oh, you know — just another human being, they’ve become Gods among men.
Is it their annunciation? Their rainy-day fashion? Maybe. Is it their tendency to colonize and blindly follow a monarchy? No. They come with ups and downs, you see. But while I’m able to see the forest for the trees nowadays, there are still women out there who will seek a British man out as if it’s a Cinnabon after a month-long diet. So, to help you catch your very own British man, here are some tips — from a few British men themselves.
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1. Please don’t make me do the Austin Powers accent or repeat words in my accent.
“Like in Love, Actually — bottle, straw, table, giggle, giggle, giggle. Yes, we get it. It sounds a little bit different.”
2. You, American girl, are way sexier than your British counterpart.
“A huge part of that is because a woman is actually interested in us, they become sexier. Because reciprocal desire is intoxicating. In England, if I’m a 7, I’ll get a 7 girl. But in America, the accent elevates me, and, well, prettier girls — like 9s — tend to like you more. That sounds pretty sexist, but it’s absolutely correct.”
3. I think it’s actually very weird that she likes me for my accent.
“Sometimes I wonder if they’re actually listening to what I’m saying…or just listening to me say it. I reckon it’s quite like how we stare at your chest rather than your face. It’s not a good thing at all.”
4. American girls are prudish.
“British girls are really very sexual, which is surprising when considering the American perspective that us Brits are reserved and excessively polite. But actually, it’s the American woman who tends to take sex more slowly, which is neither good nor bad (depending on the night, of course).”
5. American girls have the most grating accents on English ears.
“My mates and I think that certain accents are intolerable, like the Staten Island, New Jersey, Long Island or — what do you call it? — the valley girl accent with all the like, like, likes. We do quite fancy some of the Southern ones, like the Southern Belle accent, which is a lot less trashy. The problem is they just sound really stupid. It’s unfortunate, because I’m sure a lot of the women with those accents are quite intelligent.”
6. American girls have a fundamentally different sense of humor.
“In America, a joke is something that has a punch line. It’s tied up in a fancy bow. In England, a joke is something that infers a punchline. So, British wit can often be lost to being too dry for the American palette. Sometimes an American girl just looks at you funny, and there’s no laugh — just a look of bewilderment — where the “ha ha” moment should be. It’s quite uncomfortable, actually. ”
7. In England, “dating” means exclusively seeing someone. In America, dating means nothing — you can date as many people as you’d like.
“In England, there’s no expectation until ‘girlfriend’ status has been declared. So, if you hook up with someone (not including one night stands, of course), you’re beholden to them in some way. It’s just decency. It’s inferred. But in America, it’s way more loose. For some British men, it takes some getting used to. You can have sex with many people, and that’s just fine.”
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