So long summer. No more sundresses we don’t fit in, cocktails with too much fruit, or sand in our nether regions (yeah, we said it). Here’s a few things we won’t miss about you. Bring on the fall!
1. People with too much swimsuit self esteem
Look, it’s great that we live in a world where body-shaming is looked down upon. But, let’s face it, some people need to be body shamed. More than 70 percent of Americans are overweight or obese. That means, no Speedos or two-pieces. It’s awesome that you feel good, but the rest of us still have to share a beach with you. Thank god sweater weather is here!
2. Too many superhero movies
We thought the Civil War happened in the 1800s, not when Captain America and Iron Man got into a fight in the baggage claim at an airport. Batman vs. Superman was a rainy mess (seriously, was it shot during monsoon season in Seattle?), and Suicide Squad featured Jared Leto doing a terrible Joker cosplay. For every Deadpool, it seemed like there were 10 X-Men: Apocalypses. Superheroes are like sriracha sauce — a little goes a long way.
3. Not being able to drink hot chocolate
Hot chocolate rules. It’s like candy in a mug. But if you drink it in the summer, your body turns into an active volcano. Summer drinks are so limiting — you’ve gotta keep it light and with a lot of fruit. Plus, did you know that drinking hot chocolate before bed can even be healthy for you? Sign us up.
4. Feeling guilty for not going outside
Going outside is great — it increases your metabolism, brain functionality, and can make you 25 percent happier. But that’s so much pressure. We’re tired of hiking, rock climbing, paddle boarding and kayaking — it all feels like we’re on a permanent first date. We’d rather be in our natural environment — in bed, watching TV. Screw the beach, we need to catch up on Stranger Things. The good thing about the fall is that you always have an excuse to Netflix and chill. Or Netflix and sext your boyfriend. Or Netflix and …. you get the idea.
It’s a little-known fact about summer vacations: They’re mostly terrible. You spend a lot of money to fly somewhere that’s both underwhelming AND expensive, you feel guilty for not doing enough activities, you feel stupid for not appreciating the culture of a new country, then you come home to your apartment (that you forgot to clean). Oh, and now you’re even more in debt, because you put it all on your credit card. Vacations are something we feel like we have to do, but nobody really enjoys them.
Especially if you live on the West Coast, wildfires can turn your life into a disaster movie. There’s nothing more unsettling than looking out over the horizon and thinking, “Oh, that’s all on fire.” Fun fact: There are at least 250 major wildfires each year — that’s up from 140 in the 80s. So they’re getting worse. GREAT.
7. Freezing offices
The summer means that everyone is running the AC at all times. Especially in the office. Which means we have to bundle up like it’s 20 below, just to be able to function at work. Which makes NO SENSE BECAUSE IT’S SUMMER!! This is the worst.
Related-ish: A Definitive Ranking of Trader Joe’s Fall Foods