10 Brides Reveal What Their Wedding Night Was Really Like

It’s 2016, and most of us aren’t virgins when we get married, but society still gives us pretty high expectations for wedding night sex. Stores sell special lingerie aimed at brides, and our friends host showers to gift us with every sex toy, pair of crotchless panties, and bottle of lube they can possibly find. The wedding night, we’re made to believe, will be one of the sexual high points of our entire relationship. But that’s not always the way love goes.

Despite our high expectations, there’s really no such thing as a one-size-fits-all perfect post-wedding romp. Sure, some people might get it poppin’ like they’re on the cover of a romance novel, but other couples end up not even having sex at all. Here, 10 brides share what really went down after they said “I do.”

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1. The quickie

“We got married at the Justice of the Peace early in the morning. I was about eight weeks pregnant at the time, and neither of us could really afford to take a whole day off. So, our ‘wedding night’ consisted of a quickie back at our apartment before we changed clothes and went to work.” —Elizabeth A., 29, Texas

2. Playing nurse

“We were ridiculously drunk, and my husband had a huge boil on his leg that hurt so much he could barely move it. I helped him pop the boil, then he put his tuxedo pants back on, and we fell asleep still fully dressed from the ceremony.” —Vanessa W., 34, New York

3. A crime scene

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“On our wedding night, we got to our hotel and found out our honeymoon suite had been upgraded to a penthouse that was three times the size of our apartment. Even though the place was huge, it still had a mini fridge, so we had to stick our bottle of wine in at a weird angle. When I opened the fridge to get the wine, the bottle slipped and shattered, and a huge piece of glass sliced my toe almost completely off. Everything was covered in blood, and the room looked like a crime scene. The only newlywed first we experienced that night was my husband referring to me as his ‘wife’ for the first time when he called the front desk to get a first aid kit.” —Emily A., 30, Tennessee

4. That time of the month

“I got my period the night before my wedding, and I’m not into period sex, so instead of feeling obligated to ‘retire to our hotel room,’ we stayed out really late and had an amazing time with our family and friends. We already lived together, so there was no mystery awaiting us on our wedding night. I think my period was actually a blessing in disguise.” —Amy R., 33, Ohio

5. Yes way rosé

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“I actually had sex on rose petals on my wedding night, because my best friends are the shit and snuck into my apartment to get it all set up. For the record, yes, having sex on rose petals really is as awesome as it sounds. So silky.” —Natalie V., 31, Connecticut

6. Go to bed

“We were all about the food on our wedding night. We ordered a large pizza and ate it with champagne while I was still in my wedding dress. Then, we had chocolate covered strawberries in the jacuzzi tub. We accidentally dropped one in the water, and it looked like someone took a poop in the bath. Needless to say, we moved the party back to the bed after that.” —Shya G., 28

7. Romper room

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“I hired a babysitter to watch our 3-year-old son during the wedding and take him home early during the reception. Some of our wedding guests decided to send their kids home with the babysitter too—without even asking us—and one of their children bit our sitter so hard she had to leave to get medical care. I ended up having to leave my own reception to sit up all night with a bunch of little kids who were hopped up on wedding cake. Let’s just say it wasn’t the wedding night I’d dreamed of my whole life.” —Tiffany O., 31, Nebraska

8. Zzz…

“I bought really sexy lingerie to wear on our wedding night, and I was planning on giving my husband a sexy striptease. I told him to wait while I ‘freshened up a bit’—cliché, I know. Anyway, I stripped down, put on some super high heels, fixed my make-up… and came out of the bathroom to find him completely asleep and snoring. We did not have sex.” —Brittany M., 27, Florida

9. Couldn’t have been more perfect

“Our wedding night was amazing. My wife and I aren’t big drinkers, so we weren’t exhausted or wasted when we got to our hotel. We had incredible sex, and then we ordered room service and spent most of the night talking and opening gifts.” —Lisa P., 34, California

10. Risky business

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“We tried to have sex, but we were so drunk my husband could barely get it up and we both kept fumbling around. At one point, I rolled right off the bed and smacked my forehead on the nightstand. We decided to give up and try again the next day, after we’d had some time to treat our hangovers, of course.” —Lindsey S., 30, Washington

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