I think if my life ever flashed before my eyes, I'd be horrified of all those times I got bangs.
— Erica (@SCbchbum) September 19, 2016
idea: coffee flavored water
— Ali Segel (@OnlineAlison) September 19, 2016
Thanks to my spray tan, when I woke up this morning my sheets looked like Kim Kardashian had melted in my bed.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) September 19, 2016
Movies have taught me that as a woman I'm not really a success until I've cried in a fancy bathtub.
— Erin Gloria Ryan (@morninggloria) September 19, 2016
Maturity is being able to admit the girl you hate is pretty. Just not as pretty as you.
— Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) September 19, 2016
Memorizing songs in other languages is a great way to pretend you know other languages
— Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) September 21, 2016
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
— beth loves cake, so (@bourgeoisalien) September 21, 2016
It sucks when a dude hugs you just to feel your boobs but on the other hand it is the only way for me to plant the tracking device
— Marcia Belsky (@MarciaBelsky) September 20, 2016
If Jennifer Aniston isn't photographed in a Team Jen shirt today then literally what is the point of living.
— Catie Warren (@catie__warren) September 20, 2016
Say the three magic words she's longing to hear: "whatever you want."
— Lyndsay Rush (@rushbomb) September 20, 2016
First day waking up in a post-Brangelina world.
— UN*V*E*R*I*F*IABLE (@NicCageMatch) September 21, 2016
I feel bad for anyone else announcing their divorce today.
— Darnell (@Discountdracula) September 20, 2016
A grocery store checker asked how a customer was and he yelled "LIVIN' THE DREAM!" He only bought Oreos and vodka, so maybe that's the key.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) September 19, 2016
Just saw ad for "guilt free" snacks and I thought, yeah, just let my mom have a crack at it. (Already feeling guilty for this, love you ma!)
— Leah Bonnema (@LeahBonnema) September 21, 2016
Hello 911? Someone on Facebook said amazeballs
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) September 21, 2016
a guy covered in tattoos just told me he's not looking for a commitment
— Barbara Gray (@BabsGray) September 21, 2016
I'm so competitive, I give up.
— Ali Spagnola (@alispagnola) September 21, 2016
Pretty annoying that we have to just keep buying toothpaste until we die.
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) September 22, 2016
No matter how close we are or how much I like you, if you ask me when I want to hang out, my honest answer is always never.
— Mary Cella (@mary_cella) September 22, 2016
Don't ask me for advice, I once bought dry clean-only PJ pants at Anthropologie.
— Molly (@Molly_Kats) September 22, 2016
Ladies, you can still play "light as a feather stiff as a board". That magic never leaves you—you just need wine to activate it now.
— Adrienne Airhart (@craydrienne) September 22, 2016
i always feel bad for the person who has to take the kids in the divorce gross what a raw deal
— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) September 20, 2016
Aaaaand one dude…
When somebody answers their phone in the elevator, the entire conversation consists of "I'm in an elevator" and "what?"
— Spencer Robinson (@13spencer) September 22, 2016