The Berry/Cole Mitchell
In life, you will love and lose many times and, if you’re like most of us, you’ll probably end up banging an ex at some point. Ex sex is a bad idea 99.9% of the time, but it’s also something that happens to the best, brightest, and most emotionally stable of us. Sometimes there’s just no escaping the shared history you have with someone, or your DEFCON level horniness since your relationship ended.
Having sex with an ex can sometimes rekindle the romance. Other times, it offers much needed closure. Most of the time, though, it’s somewhere in between. It reminds you of all the reasons you both loved and hated that person, and it can leave you with a fuckton of mixed emotions. Here, 8 thoughts that go through pretty much every woman’s head while hooking up with a former flame.
1. “This means nothing. I repeat: This means nothing.“
I’m only doing this because I’m bored. I don’t even care about the sexy way their hair falls in their eyes or the fact that they smell amazing. Nope, not me. My heart is cold and black, and my vagina is hungry and uncaring. This is not about feelings; this is about my orgasm.
2. “Oh, wow, they still do that weird nipple-flicking thing?”
Shit, I forgot how awkward they are. Have they always breathed this loudly? Why are they looking at me that way? My body is ready, but my brain won’t stop playing a montage of the most obnoxious moments from our relationship. I think I’m about to completely lose my lady boner.
3. “This is a huge mistake.”
What was I thinking responding to their texts and coming over here? This is worse than that time I tried to do the Whole 30, gave up after 45 minutes, and ate an entire bag of Cool Ranch Doritos in one sitting. Nostalgia is not a good enough reason to get naked. Ugh! But, I also haven’t gotten laid in 8 weeks, and I already took my pants off, and I love it when they kiss my neck like that… We’re only doing it this one time, and then never again.
4. “Fuck yes, I forgot about that move.”
Okay, I officially missed this. No one else has ever gone down on me like that. What if they’re the only person who ever does it like that? I thought I was bored, but I’ve been so lonely since we broke up. Maybe I inadvertently doomed myself to a lifetime of singlehood, Lean Cuisines, and boxed wine. Oh my God, did we make a mistake breaking up?
5. “I think I‘m seriously in love again.”
I can’t believe I didn’t see it before. We’re so perfect together. We’re like John Legend and Chrissy Teigen, except we’re both way poorer and not nearly as hot, but whatever. That doesn’t matter. The point is, this is our destiny. We’re going to get married and dance to “All Of Me” at our wedding and have decades of hot sex exactly like this.
6. “Wait, do I even want to get back together right now?”
We had totally valid reasons for breaking up. Like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, we suffered from irreconcilable differences. They never helped with the dishes and they hated my maltese. Oh, and what the fuck was up with those flirty Facebook messages from their high school ex? Those problems don’t disappear just because I have multiple orgasms…or do they?
7. “I just remembered I hate this asshole.”
What am I even thinking right now? I can’t spend my life with someone who owns three Nickelback albums. This is the same jerk who forgot about my birthday last year and is incapable of putting dirty clothes in the hamper. I can’t believe I was actually thinking about us getting back together. As if! In the words of the immortal Taylor Swift, we are never, ever, ever getting back together.
8. “Thank God that’s over. Now what?”
Is it weird if I just get up and leave? I really hope we don’t need to have the whole “what does this mean” talk. It means I should’ve blocked their number, that’s what. I don’t know why I even came over here. I’m going home to shower so I can wash off the stench of desperation and regret.
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