As you’ve probably heard, there’s a presidential debate happening tonight between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. And it’s expected to be huge — with some ratings estimates as high as 100 million viewers. That’s Super Bowl numbers.
And while we don’t know exactly what questions the moderator will ask, we assume they will be about boring subjects like “the economy” and “major geopolitical events.” Screw that. Here are some REAL hot topics that we want to see the future leader of the free world address…
1. Which one of these pronunciations is correct.
2. Whether a hot dog is a sandwich or not.
Sure, it’s meat between two pieces of bread. And now Merriam-Webster calls it a sandwich, but they’re just a Dictionary. If you heard a real live person call hot dog a sandwich you’d probably kick them in the dick/vagina. Our next President needs to put an end to this debate once and for all.
3. Whether it’s OK to drive in the passing lane or not.
Some would say any candidate endorsing driving in the passing lane is legally unfit for office. Others would tell that person to mind their own fucking business and go faster if they don’t want people driving in the passing lane. Nothing looks more Presidential than solving this one.
4. Which inbox is correct.
5. Which is the proper way to load the toilet paper.
6. Whether flour or corn tortillas are superior.
Does the candidate prefer tortillas as God intended them? Or are they on a gluten-free diet that their yoga teacher recommended? The American public needs a clear answer.
7. Which method of fake text-laughing is correct.
8. How to properly refer to a can of carbonated sugar water.
9. Whether you should throw the empty milk away or leave it in the fridge for the next person to deal with.
One is kind of a dick move. The other kind of gross. Let’s decide tonight, America!
10. Whether it’s pronounced “ketch-up” or “cat-sup.”
On the one hand, it says “Ketchup” right there on the bottle. On the other hand, your grandma says “Catsup.” Who’s right? The next leader of the free world, that’s who.
11. The correct method for typing a smiley face.
12. Whether it’s pronounced “COO-PONS” or “KEW-PONS”
Wait, who are we kidding, neither of these candidates has ever used a coupon in their life.
13. How to properly cram Nutella into your pie hole.
14. Whether you should flush after your pee or flush throughout so no one can hear the sound of your pee.
If you flush after you pee, you’re definitely a Type A personality. Any candidate who’s scared of people hearing them pee will definitely not stand up to Putin.
15. How to properly add ketchup to your french fries.
16. How a pizza pan should look after you’ve finished it.
17. Whether it’s proper to wipe while sitting on the toilet or wipe while standing up.
If you didn’t want to answer the tough questions, you should’t have run for president.