Pregnancy, as we all know, is the glorious perpetuation of the human species. It is also immensely annoying and inconvenient on a micro, day-to-day basis.
In addition to some of the more obvious lifestyles changes required to accommodate pregnancy (goodbye, alcohol!), there are some awesome daily pleasures that we must also bid adieu to when we’re “in a family way” (I both love and hate that colloquialism).
Here are just a few beloved things you can expect to go away while you’re procreating:
1. Your cushy night’s sleep.
In addition to the probability of morning sickness ruining your mornings (and life in general, let’s be honest), there is also a possibility that you will start snoring. Pregnancy can cause nasal membranes to swell and lead to some HIGHLY ATTRACTIVE snoring.
However, if you already snore, then don’t sweat it, I guess!
2. Only eating three square meals a day.
If you’re one of those people who prefers to have a distinct breakfast, lunch and dinner time, then you’re in for a big surprise. While you certainly don’t need to totally pig out and eat twice the amount you normally would (this is a common misconception), you’re going to find yourself wanting to snack throughout the day (during the few moments when you aren’t nauseous). This is a good thing! Embrace it! Eating in a healthy and balanced manner is one thing, but attempting to diet while pregnant is totally fucking useless.
3. Your shoes. (*Sob*)
Yes. It’s true. Your feet are likely to swell due to extra body fluids during your second trimester, and as a result, you may go up a shoe size. Never fear, though! Once the swelling goes down, you should totally be able to fit into your old kicks again.
4. Googling shit.
You’re going to convince yourself that you have all manner of horrifying symptoms and diseases if you allow yourself to access Google on a regular basis. Look: your body is going through a three-ring circus right now. Things are going to feel weird, and you’re going to want to place the blame on some horrible, flesh-eating baby virus that you created in your head. If you have any legitimate worries or concerns, call your doctor — otherwise, stop freaking yourself out, dammit!
5. Your morning cup of coffee.
Your body needs iron right now, and caffeine can prevent your body from absorbing this particular nutrient as efficiently as it normally would. It may feel impossible at first (since you’ll also be feeling extra sluggish), but a few days of discomfort will pay off down the road.
6. Your normal skincare routine.
When it comes to your skin, pregnancy can cause you to revert to your hormonal high school days. And by that I mean: you may find yourself getting oily as hell (perhaps that is what people mean when they say “pregnant glow”??). Be prepared to switch up your skincare regimen in response to your newly over-productive sebaceous glands.
7. Celebrity magazines and news stories.
Just … don’t do it. You’re going to see all of this media exclaiming how Jenna Dewan Tatum lost her baby weight in like, five minutes and then look down at your ever-expanding stomach and be like “I am an actual whale who does not deserve nice things.” You’re pregnant, you’re sensitive, and you don’t need to be reminded of the bevy of beautiful celebrities in this world who starved themselves to “bounce back” from their baby body. Just read a trashy novel and immerse yourself in imagination, instead.
8. Soft cheeses and pretty much anything “raw.”
While you do need lots of calcium, unpasteurized dairy products such as Feta, brie and goat cheese are sadly off the menu (they can contain unfriendly bacteria such as Listeria). Raw food can carry E. Coli and Salmonella, so you’ll want to steer clear of those as well (though, contrary to popular opinion, you can eat certain fish, as long as it’s cooked).
9. Anyone who wears a shit-ton of perfume.
Pregnancy hormones (*ahem* estrogen) can give you a heightened sense of smell, and make you especially sensitive to seemingly innocuous fragrances. Any strong smells (such as your S.O.’s aftershave, or your coworker’s ostentatious perfume) may need to be avoided during this time, lest you live in a constant state of stench-smelling misery.
10. Your air of “womanly mystery.”
Look, you’re going to start smelling weird and you’re going to start farting a lot. You will also need to pee every five minutes. It may sound (and feel) like convalescence, but that’s just how pregnancy goes. Accept it, embrace it, and trust that your partner is going to do the same. Don’t freak out about these “embarrassing” physical changes — you are literally growing a human inside of you. Your significant other can cut you some slack in the “Romance” department. There will certainly be time to go back to lacy negligees after (like, considerably after) the baby is born.