You know good sex when you have it. Body-quaking orgasms, bliss that lasts for hours afterwards, and a feeling of satisfaction that lasts long after the initial encounter. This isn’t about that, though. This is about the other kind of sex. The kind you wish you hadn’t had. The bad sex.
Someone once said that sex is like pizza. Even the bad kind is generally pretty good. But maybe they haven’t had really bad sex. The kind where you wish you’d stayed home with your vibrator instead. It’s usually not the fault of one person. Unless it is. Whether it’s because they learned from porn or whether they are just selfish AF, here are 8 typical habits of men who are truly shitty in bed.
1. They make it all about them.
Ladies should come first. But even if they don’t, a man who leaves you hanging is a man who downright sucks in bed. If he finishes, rolls off you, and promptly falls asleep without even attempting to help you reach climax, he’s actually a slime ball. If he’s a man you know well, have a chat. If he’s a one night stand, end that right then and there. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.
2. They treat your vagina like a chew toy.
There is going down on someone. And then, there is acting like a dog with a rubber hamburger. The latter? Isn’t sexy. Sure, it’s great that he’s eager and a guy like this can probably learn to do it better. But he needs to be open to instruction and you have to be willing to go there.
3. Or worse, seem terrified of putting their face near your vagina at all.
Much worse than the chew boy is the no-chew boy. You know the one. He expects fellatio but doesn’t want to give it in return. Just say hell no to this guy.
4. They conveniently forget about foreplay.
You thought every guy knew you were supposed to get things started before you go to town. But it seems some still haven’t gotten the memo. Many women (dare I say most?) need at least a little bit of a warm-up before the main show. Guys who forget that don’t often get callbacks.
5. They have no fucking clue what to do with your breasts.
Hi, they are attached, dude! He is kneading them like friggin’ pizza dough and touches you like your body is more for his pleasure than your own. This move is the granddaddy of that philosophy. What woman in her right mind wants her breasts manhandled like that?! Touch, sure. Lick, why not? But knead? Um. No. Try again.
6. They jackhammer your vagina.
In and out in and out in and out. Over and over. Faster, faster. It can be fun. But when that’s his only move, it gets old. It gets dry. It gets painful. And face it: Men who can’t vary their pumps probably aren’t very adept at all the other ~nuances~ of proper fucking.
7. They tell you to “shhhh!”
This happened to me when I hooked up with a guy I’d been massively into throughout college. Just when I was getting into it, he shushed me. And he told me to “chill, girl, chill.” A guy that “chill” doesn’t improve his game. Good sex can and should be loud and uninhibited. If he doesn’t like your noise in bed, he’s not going to like it out of bed, either.
8. They shove your head.
This is hands down the abso-fucking-lute worst. If a woman wants to give oral, she’ll make it there herself. Otherwise, she doesn’t need your head shove to get the point. You want a blowie? Be patient. The only things your coaxing hand will get you is a laugh over drinks with her girlfriends later. As in: Can you believe how bad that guy was in bed?!