I'm sick in bed if anybody has feelings for me but isn't ready to tell me. Now is the time to unexpectedly stop by with food.
— Hollis Jane (@hollis_jane) September 26, 2016
Every woman needs to decide for herself if it's a shirt or a dress.
— Mary-Devon Dupuy (@DevoDupuy) September 26, 2016
I'm a Pisces so I get along well with Virgos, Cancers and alcohol.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) September 27, 2016
Why does belle just keep calling him "the beast" the entire movie? Never even asked him name I guess. Just CALLED him the beast. Super rude.
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) September 25, 2016
Sorry I returned the baby UGG™ boots you bought my daughter. They were super cute but I'm not tryin' to raise a basic bitch
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) September 26, 2016
If I have a crush on someone I let them know by ignoring them completely until they die.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) September 26, 2016
I can't possibly look cute when I sleep. I know what it looks like when I'm awake and there's no way it improves when I'm unconscious
— Ali Hinman (@Srat_Bro) September 27, 2016
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
— Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) September 27, 2016
accidentally ate one of my dog's treats you guys we've all been had they are fucking delicious
— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) September 27, 2016
Snacktually. – mealsplainer
— Janine Brito (@janinebrito) September 27, 2016
Not to brag, but I have one of those bodies that I can wear anything I want and still look stupid
— beth loves cake, so (@bourgeoisalien) September 28, 2016
I'm at the airport wearing a Lisa Frank shirt, pink nikes and have a unicorn phone case. I must look like the biggest unaccompanied minor.
— nicole byer (@nicolebyer) September 28, 2016
Shazam, but for weird noises my body makes when I sit down.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) September 28, 2016
Fight Club (1999): Your big brother's dumb game of "why are you hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself" is a movie now.
— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) September 28, 2016
What base is coming in your pants?
— Hannah Schneider (@hhschneider) September 29, 2016
What's your favorite part of Fall? Leaves changing color? Crisp weather? Realizing we're all marching towards imminent death? Hot cocoa?
— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) September 22, 2016
"Marry me," I whisper to my lover post-coitally
"I think you'd make a great officiant. Just say yes, don't overthink it."
— Lynn Bixenspan (@lynnbixenspan) September 29, 2016
Sweet, basic girl I know: "I love fall it's just so crisp and beautiful"
Me: "Yes, I also like watching things slowly die."
— Marlena Ryan (@Marlena_Ryan) September 29, 2016
Nice try, Thinx. All my underwear is period underwear
— Myka Fox (@MykaFox) September 29, 2016
I've decided to finally give in and become who online targeted ads expect me to be.
— maura quint (@behindyourback) September 29, 2016
If I ever get reincarnated, let it be as something that can be easily flushed down a toilet.
— Mariya Alexander (@MariyaAlexander) September 29, 2016
Home is where my hairbands end up.
— ṃєʟissa (@LucyLouMcB) September 28, 2016
You know what's great about monogamy? Never, ever having to pretend to be interested in some dude's idea for a novel again.
— Jennifer Wright (@JenAshleyWright) September 29, 2016
Aaaand one dude…
GOD: You may ask me one question, my child.
ME: :holding cord: Is there somewhere I can plug my phone in real quick?
— Kyle Ayers (@kyleayers) September 27, 2016