10 questions I still have about ‘Mean Girls’

Today is October 3rd, which must signify that it is once again Mean Girls day, and our collective Facebook feeds will be full of Gretchen Wieners quotes and some dank Regina George memes — or, maybe it just means that you re-watch the movie quietly while you should be working. Either way.

In honor of such an auspicious occasion, I have decided to revisit some age-old questions i have about the movie. Because even such a classic and superb film is obviously going to raise some queries (particularly one where a Spring Fling crown somehow grows stronger when it’s broken). Here are just a few conundrums which spring to mind after revisiting such a beloved classic:

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1. Why the f*ck did Cady’s parents immediately throw her into high school after homeschooling her for a million years?

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I understand wanting to socialize your kid, but when they’re a junior in high school, it is officially too late. At the very least, wouldn’t you try to send your kid to some slightly less-jarring learning facility, like a private school or something? Look, all I’m saying is: the unfortunate side-effects of Cady’s introduction to public schooling could have been avoided entirely if her parents had used a modicum of common sense. `

2. But really, why isn’t Rachel McAdams doing comedy anymore?

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I know she was nominated for an Oscar for her performance in Spotlight, but I think we can all agree that this type of work is Rachel McAdam’s true calling. I mean, she bring the perfect amount of intensity, believability and comic timing to the living monstrosity that is Regina George. Just think of what she could do with another comical villain! Her extended, piercing shriek alone is absolutely worthy of accolades.

3. Is no one going to say anything about Aaron being kind of an idiot?

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I know he’s the token romantic interest, but can we all just take a step back and look at what happened with Aaron? He liked Cady, but Regina kissed him at a party and he was like “Cool, guess I like you again,” and he was super into dating her — then they broke up, and he was like, “Oh, I guess I like Cady again.” Why does anyone care about this handsome idiot?? He has very questionable judgement when it comes to relationships, and he sucks at math!!!

 4. How does nobody recognize how hot Lizzie Caplan is?

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I mean, even through the heavy eyeliner and questionably-greasy bangs, anyone with eyes can tell that Lizzie Caplan is an attractive human. I mean, I guess Kevin G was the only person who bothered to notice, but I’m having a difficult time believing that one.

5. What TF was Glen Coco up to?

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What kind of game was Glen Coco spitting that garnered him FOUR candy canes? I mean, sure, maybe he’s just a popular kind who has a ton of friends — but what guys would actually send their friend a candy cane? My guess is, those candy canes were from four different ladies, and Glen Coco is some sort of magnificent sleaze-bag.

6. What does “half a virgin” mean?

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I don’t know if I really need to know the particulars here, I just think it’s something we should all take a moment to consider.

7. How did “she doesn’t even go here!” know there was a trust fall exercise happening?

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This poor weeping girl! Does she wander the streets, constantly in search of some sort of emotional outlet for her tears? Is she a 30-year-old woman who just wanted to go back to high school, a la Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed? How terrible is security at this high school that a hysterical woman was allowed to wander freely into the gymnasium? I don’t know guys, I understand you have bigger problems on your hands, but it feels like SOMEBODY ought to be asking these questions.

8. How many pieces of that damn plastic crown were there, anyway?

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Maybe that crown really is magical, because Cady literally tosses like, ten pieces of it into the audience. It’s the crown that never ends! You really shouldn’t be casually handing it out to high school Spring Fling Queens, because there is obviously some powerful voodoo happening with that crown.

9. How do you survive being hit by a bus?

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The best part of Cady Herron facetiously stating, “And that’s how Regina George died … no, I’m totally kidding,” is that PEOPLE ACTUALLY DIE FROM GETTING HIT BY BUSES. How on Earth did Regina George manage such a feat? Did her powerful evil allow her to become reborn, like Voldemort?

10. DOES the limit not exist?

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Look, I’ve discussed this with the two people I know who are professionally proficient at math. And, as far as I can tell, the final answer in the Mathletes competition is, indeed, that the limit does not exist. However, plenty would also grumble that this is not actually an equation — it’s actually a function (but whatever, that’s a small detail). However, could Cady have solved the problem in the amount of time she was given, while also having an epiphany about her life? I don’t know about you, but my brain is unable to narrate life lessons while I’m attempting to solve a difficult equation (excuse me — FUNCTION).  Look, all I’m saying is: Cady is perhaps a math wizard, and I did not fully realize it until just now.

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