Since when did a few pixels in the shape of an eggplant ruin lives? Since now. We depend so heavily on text-messaging that it’s sort of like we’re cyborgs struggling to remember our humanity. It’s also crazy to expect everyone to achieve some goldilocks-level of text perfection — not too emotional, but just emotional enough. Not too many texts, but enough to know you’re listening. Not too many emojis, but a singular, well-placed heart shows intimacy and comprehension skill. Which one of these texters are you?
1. The absolutely manic texter
Everyone has at least one friend who acts like they’re on all sorts of methamphetamine during a simple text message convo. You ask what they want for dinner, and in any normal situation, they might text: “Let’s get pizza! See you at 6pm.” Instead, they text:
“I don’t know”
“I guess pizza…”
“Is pizza cool?”
“See you soon”
“Lemme know if that’s ok…”
10 points if they’re manically texting about something they’re actually worried about. Prepare to block their number.
2. The group text lurker
You love them, but they’re giving some real creep vibes. You know they’re reading everything being written, but they never respond. And if they do, it’s at 3am when they’re drunk and no one else is texting anyone else anymore. Somehow, this lurker is still always in the know and maybe even chimes in with the random “haha” or “lol” on occasion, which honestly makes it even worse. Because what are they really thinking and doing over there, behind their shroud?
3. The person who never responds
This is by far the worst offender. You ask if they want to get dinner, when they’re free or, you know, how they’re doing. Because you care, because you’re human. And then nothing. The funniest thing is that most of these people rattle off a series of transparent, bullshit excuses like, “I’m not glued to my phone like everyone else,” “I’m working,” “I didn’t see it until now,” or — the best — “I didn’t think it needed a response.” Um, hello. It takes 15 seconds to answer a text. Most people see a text because it flashes on the screen. And everyone has a job. Welcome to reality.
4. The apocalypse texter
Your friend is a normal person for the most part — until something goes wrong on their end. And when this happens, your phone will blow up. They need all your love, support and attention RIGHT NOW or they will literally die. They will ask you a million times what you think of their situation and they will continue texting through the night. When you drift off to sleep, they’ll simultaneously apologize for bothering while asking where you went. You will outwardly appreciate that they need your insight, but you will secretly think they’re very unhinged.
5. The emoji texter
This is the friend you adore but who couldn’t be more ridiculous in their show of affection and energy. It’s almost ridiculous, actually, that your text about getting dinner with your boyfriend would warrant 13 eggplant emojis, three pizzas and 10 burgers — with a smile face. Like, why? Why is that the answer? Still, you could be dealing with #6.
6. The dry texter
Actually, this is the worst. This is the person, who, if you have a heart at all, you will hate. Their texts contain no exclamation points, no emojis, no pet-names. They’re all business and periods. This can be incredibly anxiety-inducing, especially when you think they should show even the slightest iteration of emotionality. Are they mad at me? Did I do something wrong? Wait, do they even want to meet up? Are they not ok with getting dinner? This is one enigma you could do without. Upset about it? You could be dealing with #1.
7. The spelling disaster texter
This person really is someone special. They may be a lawyer or a doctor or even have a Masters degree in Writing, but that doesn’t matter when it comes to texting. They’re happy to let you work it out. Gs follow Bs all the time in their texts, and the only way you can actually decipher the message is by contextualizing the rest of the conversation and intimately knowing the way that they think. This gets old fast, but it never ends. And you know, it’s sort of endearing…Sort of.
8. Your mom
This is the mom who just wants to send you ALL THE LOVE EVER. In doing so, she manages to send copious blank texts or texts with about seven spaces between words or several messages that come in all jumbled. This mom may have also recently discovered emojis (brace for impact) and have taken the heart to a whole new level. Bu you know what? You should acknowledge that you are loved, you cold-hearted brute.