Every proud owner of a vagina knows there’s some uncomfortable maintenance that goes along with it. We ladies have to visit the ol’ ‘gina doctor regularly, so they can take a look under our “hood” and make sure everything is working properly.
Nobody enjoys having their pap smeared! But it’s a necessary evil, and between spreading your legs without even getting laid to having your breasts kneaded like a kitten, there are a lot of awkward thoughts that run through a girl’s mind while she’s on her back at the GYN’s.
Here, 11 thoughts all women have while they’re getting their lady bits checked out.
1. “Did I need to shave for this?”
Before hooking up, I do quite a bit of “tidying up” down there. I shave my legs, shave my vag or get waxed, get vajazzled, blah blah. Before the doctor, I should do the same, right? Well, at least I should shower, maybe even spritz a little body spray on that bad boy.
2. “Um, wait, where do I put my panties?”
Yeah, I know I have to put on that oh-so-flattering paper smock, but where the F am I supposed to put my underwear? So they don’t have to just hang out in that corner over there? In a pants’ pocket, in my shoe?
3. “How should I sit?”
It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve been examined, one is never quite sure whether to sit or lay or plank, or… It’s like you’re about to have sex for the first time, and you can’t decide how you want to appear after your soon-to-be bang buddy emerges from the bathroom…
4. “Woof, my nips could cut a diamond right now!”
I know that doctor’s offices are freezing for good reason! To limit the spreading of germs and gross crap that walks in through those doors every day. But that doesn’t help the fact that my nipples are standing at attention like an overeager recruit at Boot Camp. After the doc does the breast exam, maybe she’ll toss me a blanket? My nips look like rockets ready for a space expedition.
5. “Should I take the fact that I need the small speculum as a compliment?”
The doctor just asked for the smaller speculum. I’m not sure if this is a compliment or what, but at least they don’t have to order a special tool from Home Depot to give me the exam, so that’s good I guess?
6. “Shit, the speculum is slipping out!”
After the doc inserted the speculum into my vag, she turned around to gather more supplies. And now I’m having a mild panic attack, because I feel the speculum slowly sliding out of my hoo-ha. Oh, wonderful, she’s back—just in time. I’m convinced this is a little game they play. Sort of like a GYN’s version of Hot Potato?
7. “I’m oddly aroused right now…”
Look, I know this is strictly preventative medicine, but my genitals are being touched, things are being put inside, and, you know, this usually means that the sex is about to occur. My mind is telling me no, but my body is telling me yes.
8. “How low can I actually go?”
Sure, I can drop it, drop it low in the club, but it’s always a terrifying ordeal when your doc asks you to scoot down. You feel like you’re about to fall right off the table and be that literal asshole who ended up on the floor. Whatever you do, do not make beeping noises like a semi-truck backing up.
9. “My vagina is a tiny chimney! My vagina is a tiny chimney!”
By far, the most uncomfortable part of a pap smear is when they pick that tiny pipe cleaner up to scrape your cervix. It’s like how the chalkboard feels whenever someone runs their nails across it. To make this a little easier, I like to imagine my vagina is a tiny chimney getting a sweep.
10. “Don’t laugh.”
Small talk happens during an exam, it’s a weird situation for the both of you, so you talk about weather and family and where you bought your socks… Keep it light, but not too funny. If a joke enters this conversation, that speculum starts to move as the muscles in your vagina engage. Nobody wants to have to explain to the police that your doctor was assaulted by a speculum that was shot out of your vag.
11. “I need to scrub myself off now.”
After everything is all said and done, the doctor cheerily says, “Have a good day!” and leaves me with a wipe. Something about being handed a tissue after something so intimate makes one feel so dirty. Like, “Here, now go clean yourself up, toots!” Now, I’m cleaning myself up, and there are all these extra fluids, and I can’t tell which are from me and which are weird lubricants that have been used during the exam. Ugh. Get me home and into a hot shower. Thank goodness I don’t have to do this for at least 12 more months, right?