When I started breastfeeding my baby girl, it felt like a very intimate, quiet and sacred act– minutes in time where my baby and I were completely connected both physically and emotionally. It wasn’t soon before I realized that breastfeeding has another side, a side that is totally, completely, rid-honkin-diculous.
I was in the shower, enjoying the hot water on my exhausted muscles, enjoying having some time to myself while my husband cared for his newborn daughter. My breasts were enormous, engorged still with the first flood of milk that comes in the days after childbirth. I was washing the soap out of my hair when my husband yanked open the shower curtain to tell me something, and I turned toward him and blasted him from both breasts with breastmilk: Austin Power Femmebot style. It was both mortifying and hilarious. I’m not the only one…
1. When this mom treated herself to a cocktail.
“I had chronic low milk supply. I went to a country concert when H was probably 2 months old, and I pumped my tiny amount of milk in the parking lot while tail gating. Back then I didn’t know pump and dump wasn’t necessary, and I couldn’t bring myself to dump the milk, so I drank it, while everyone else was pounding alcohol.” -Kelly B.
2. When this tired new mother tried to feed a pillow.
“With my first I was so sleep deprived from waking and nursing the baby every two hours. I would start having dreams that I had nursed the baby, which was really confusing because then I couldn’t remember whether I had actually nursed him or not. One time I thought I was nursing the baby only to wake up and realize I had been asleep and was holding a pillow to my breast trying to breastfeed it. The baby was sound asleep in his bassinet.” -Kristel A.
3. When this busy mom was doing double duty.
“I once breastfed my own baby at work because he refused to take a bottle and my mom brought him up to the hospital in tears. I was mandated (required to work over the shift I had signed up for, so it ended up being a 14 hour shift instead of the four hour shift I signed up to work specifically because he didn’t take a bottle, reason #1487 I hated working at the hospital) because we were so short and I have never been so stressed in my life, literally trying to choose between work and my screaming baby. My manager gave me permission to feed him, but I couldn’t leave the nursery because we had a sick baby, so I held my son in one arm and nursed him while running IV meds for this poor baby in the nursery.” -Chauncie B.
4. When a parade of clueless dudes just couldn’t stay away.
“My first day back at work (teaching) after having my first child, I got walked in on three times (all males) because they didn’t know the previous theater closet was now the lactation room. They all apologized and then turned to leave, which was fine. However, the last time, a very awkward physics teacher got his key stuck in the door, so he opened the door back open really wide and said, ‘My key is stuck. Can you come over and help me?’
Also, last year, I forgot my pump one day and had to milk myself into a coffee cup. It was a really mothering-up moment.” -Katie A.
5. When this distracted mother let it all hang out.
“When my oldest was about two months old, I was dangerously sleep deprived because I was nursing every two hours and then pumping for 20 minutes in an attempt to increase my milk supply. One morning, after my husband woke me as he was leaving for work, I got up as usual and made breakfast, got on Facebook and did a little housework before I realized I had never put one of my breasts “away’ after nursing my daughter last.” -Mary S.
6. When a waiter got free show—and shower.
“The first time we went out to eat after Owen was born – he was a couple months old I guess – and we were seated in a booth across from one another.
I was nursing Owen when the – teenage male – waiter came to take our drink orders.
The new voice caught Owen’s attention and he ‘popped off’ to look and my milk sprayed clear across the table !!
The poor waiter blushed SO much !
We had a different waiter the rest of the meal.” -Lea A.
7. When a corpse got involved.
“One time I was at a funeral home and Lorelei (maybe eight months old) needed to nurse. I was all set to nurse her in the “viewing” room but for some reason my mother got weird about it so I went to ask the funeral director for a more secluded location. He ushered me into another room saying, “Mr. Smith is the only one in here and HE WON’T MIND!” So it was just me, Lorelei, and some random dead man.” -Leslie S.
8. When this mom went off like a fountain.
“I was breast feeding my baby Anthony during the O.J. Simpson white bronco chase, glued to the TV with a bunch of friends from high school over to ‘meet’ my baby- when he came off the boob and milk was squirting across the room for quite awhile before anyone noticed.” -Misty N.
9. When carpooling with the boss got interesting.
“Pumping in the car while on a business trip while your boss drives…trying to hide under the nursing blanket with the incessant noise, burrrr…chhhh…burrr…chhhh… Hahaha…lovely drive home from Los Angeles. #fulltimeworkingmomprobs and still managed to exclusively breast feed for 13 months! Woo woo!” -Christine J.