After recently re-watching the Halloween classic Hocus Pocus, I have a renewed love for the iconic movie — but, I honestly also have a lot of questions. There were plenty of details I was willing to ignore when watching this film as a child, but my revisitation has left me curious about certain facets of the story.
Here are just a few of the moments that left me perplexed and wanting answers — because, even though this movie has a comfortable place in all of our spooky little hearts, there’s still plenty of weird sh*t happening throughout this Disney classic.
1. WTF happened with that spell in the beginning?
Was the spell meant to turn its victim into a hologram full of cocaine? Because if so, mission accomplished. Otherwise, I have no explanation for what was happening here, other than early 1990s “special effects.”
2. Is transforming into a cat supposed to be a punishment?
I’m sorry, but cats have amazing lives. They sit around, do whatever they want, and people willingly handle their poop (not that this is the main perk, I’m just pointing out that it’s pretty royal). If anything, being turned into a feline seems like a damn reward. Sign me up.
3. What kind of a name is “Thackery“??
I actually laughed aloud when I remembered that the pre-Binx human in this movie is named “Thackery.” It’s as though someone in the writer’s room was just like “Um, what is the most colonial name in the world? Thack … ery?” and everyone else was just like “OH MY GOSH, YES, NO QUESTION, MOVING ON.”
4. What sort of English class shames students for not believing in witchcraft?
I understand that it’s Salem, and that the residents enjoy buying into the town’s rather grisly history — but on what planet does a high school teacher ridicule a student for not “believing” in Halloween? IS THIS ACTUALLY HOGWARTS?
5. Why the fuck do Jay and Ice live in the graveyard?
These two hoodlums pop up from behind a gravestone after lurking there for WHO KNOWS how long. We don’t know much about these local bullies, but there is no evidence to suggest that they have any sort of normal Salem residence, so I’m just going to go ahead and say that they live in the graveyard. Agreed? Agreed.
6. Also, what kind of thieves steal shoes and not a bicycle?
Max rides up on this dope bicycle and the town cronies only want to steal his stinky shoes? Sheesh, talk about a backwards town — the people in Salem can’t even steal correctly!
7. Why would you bitch about moving when you have such a sweet room?
Max is SO UNGRATEFUL. He literally has a full closet, an entire drum kit, and stairs to a loft within his bedroom — this kid is LIVING THE REAL ESTATE DREAM. But no, all he cares about his how much Salem sucks. Get out of here, Max.
8. Uh, was this Disney movie flirting with the idea of masturbation?
9. Did Max seriously just say he was dressed as “a rap singer”?
Never has a more unhip phrase ever been uttered. Also, for the record, he is clearly dressed up as someone’s hungover dad.
10. Who has a Rococo-themed Halloween party?
Allison has a “rich family,” which I guess means that they celebrate Halloween in full ball gowns and powdered wigs? I don’t even know.
11. Who decided “yabos” meant boobs?
12. Why do you have to be a virgin to light the black flame candle?
Hm, I dunno, Sanderson Sisters. This seems weirdly slut-shamey for a group of progressive witches such as yourselves.
13. Why are Max, Dani and Allison so unfazed by a talking cat?
They meet the feline version of Thackery Binx and are just like “Huh, weird. Okay, Talking Cat, you’re coming with us.” It just really makes you wonder if this is even the first talking animal these kids have encountered.
14. Did that bus driver offer to sire the Sanderson sisters’ children?
Uh, I think that salacious bus driver just offered to make babies with the Sanderson sisters. I don’t know what else to say, except that it is amazing that this was included in a Disney movie.
15. Why the hell is Garry Marshall playing Satan?
He’s doing a very good job, but what a weird fucking cameo.
16. Why does no one appreciate how cool the mom is for dressing as Madonna?
Everyone needs to stop and appreciate this hot mom, who is still rocking a cone bra after giving birth to two children. Come throooough!
17. Why is Max not a radio DJ?
His voiceover work on the school’s PA system is truly incredible. I think he missed his calling, and should definitely move back to LA to concentrate on creating his own supernatural podcast.
18. Is there anything funnier than a witch riding a vacuum cleaner?
No. No, there fucking is not.
19. Who, in their right mind, leaves an evil mystical book just lying around the house??
Wow, everyone is being really sloppy with this supposedly all-powerful book of magical spells (which is also fashioned from human skin). Perhaps it isn’t the sort of thing you should just leave lying around where anyone can grab it, ALLISON!
20. What does salt have to do with witches?
I have no idea, but they fucking hate this stuff. Maybe their cholesterol is too high.
21. So … witches become statues when they die?
22. Did Dani and Thackery Binx fall in love??
I don’t know! Maybe?? There was definitely some romantic tension there, and that’s all I’m going to say about it!
23. So … Jay and Ice die?
I mean, they’re trapped in cages in the Sanderson house, and no one really knows they’re there. So, I’m guessing they probably starve to death in that house, unbeknownst to the town of Salem. Whoops!
24. Are the Sanderson sisters maybe kind of amazing?
Look, I know they’re trying to steal youth (and life) from children, but they also sing some mean karaoke, are fully comfortable with their sexuality, and aren’t afraid to punish boys for calling them ugly. They may be evil, but the Sanderson sisters are kind of my heroes.